Brigid and grief

Brigid’s connection with grief is exceptionally strong. I mean, the first bit of lore I really dived into was Brig in Caith Maigh Tuireadh. And that’s where Brig gives keening as a means to deal with grief to the Irish. The story is a sad one. Really sad. We have no view of Ruadhán’s character, or his connections to his mother’s people. We can’t read into his age, his maturity, any of it.

On the other hand, Brig’s loss of her son gave us keening. And I’ve written before about how important it is to express our emotions. But I haven’t written about the process of grief before now and how Brigid can help us through the different stages.

Now, bear in mind, this 5-stage model of grief was developed in the 1960’s, by a woman called Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who was looking at terminally ill patients facing their own death. (She later published a book on her findings) And, it’s also important to note that grief isn’t linear.

This isn’t a neat and tidy package, with Brigid showing up every X weeks to move you on to the next stage. In fact, I’d like to present some of my niece’s artwork as a means of exploring how one might move through the different stages.

Grief is universal

The only thing is, all of us will experience grief at one point or another. As soon as we’re born, we’re open to the risk of someone dying. And I don’t mean that as glib or as flippant as it sounds. It’s pretty much a fact of life. If there is one thing we all can be certain of, it’s that at some stage, we will die.

Some of us are lucky enough to have longer lives than others of course.

But death is a true constant, across cultures, time, space… even planets die.

Yeah, even earth…

So, knowing a bit about what we might expect when something hits us, can help us deal with it, in my opinion.
For those who don’t know, the 5 stages of grief are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Let’s go through them one by one.

Denial

I don’t know about you, but in my experience, Brigid has never been big on denial as a means of dealing with anything. Even in times of grief, she will only allow it to continue for so long.

But here’s the thing – it’s a really natural stage to go through. When you hear someone has passed away, a fairly frequent reaction is that “no, what?!” or a sort of freeze. “Denial” has also been described as a numbness.

And it’s ok. Sometimes our brain shuts down certain realisations to help us keep going. There are a lot of grief websites out there saying it’s normal to hear or see the person who has passed during this stage.

As a deity, Brigid is fairly upfront and practical. So she understands, in the those of grief, we may need this numbness and denial to cope. But then something will happen. You’ll see something, and it’s usually something really daft – like the sock they left lying on the floor like they always did. Or the cup left on the draining board, instead of in the dishwasher, no matter how many times you asked.
And the numbness will break, the grief will wash in and if you wish, Brigid can be there to help. She’s been through it.

Anger

I’ve also written about Brigid and Anger before now. But the anger experienced at someone’s death is something different. Brigid and angry grief is different to Brigid and angry anger. Death can seem horribly, unfair, and downright mean.

Someone you love is gone, and there’s no way to get them back. And worse, you can feel angry at the person who has passed, for leaving you. You can feel angry at yourself for letting them go.

You can feel this undercurrent of anger beneath everything else for weeks on end, to the point where you explode over something really small. And then… you get angry for overreacting…

This sort of anger is the kind that keeps you going. You can rant and rail at life, at Brigid, at the universe – whatever seems most appropriate. You think Brigid didn’t rant and rail at the loss of her son? You think she didn’t blame his father, her father, Goibhniu… anyone she could for the loss of Ruadhán?

Bargaining

Ah yes, bargaining. It can be really hard to accept there is nothing we can do to change things. Absolutely nothing. I can imagine it took Brigid a while to come out of the throes of grief to realise there was nothing she could do either. The TDD, Dian Cecht and his offspring had healed everything short of death… But her son was lost.

We do it as well. We do it in circumstances less serious that death as well – if I make this green light, I’ve got the interview. If I make this basket, the pitch will work. You know the sort of thing I mean.

But in grief, even as we try to bargain, we already know it won’t work. All cultures, lore and folk tales tell us so. But we persist. Because not persisting means it’s over.

Depression

I mean, death leads to sadness most of the time. You mourn the loss of the one gone. The World Health Organisation defines depression as follows:

Depressive disorder (also known as depression) is a common mental disorder. It involves a depressed mood or loss of pleasure or interest in activities for long periods of time.

WHO, https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/depression 

If there was ever a time for depressed mood and not to feel full of life and joy – it’s when you lose a loved one. Getting those feelings and working through them is bloody hard. Brigid knows this. Trust me. Or, more importantly, trust her and her experience of grief. Of course no one else has gone through what you’ve gone through. No one else has lost a relationship in exactly the same way as you have. But people might have had similar experiences. And you can learn from them.

Acceptance

Getting over the death of a loved one is near impossible I think. You think Brigid got over the loss of Ruadhán? (Or for that matter, Brian, Iuchar and Iucharba?) But there comes a time when you accept the grief. You can maintain at least a semblance of a normal life again. We don’t let go of the memories, but we can look back at the good and the bad times. We can joke about some of the memories.

None of this is linear

I’ve written a lot and it all sounds reasonable, right? But as with much with both Brigid and grief, it’s not linear. It’s circular. Or maybe a spiral. Remember my lovely niece’s art above? (She’s not 2 yet, by the way, so, y’know, give her a break!)

You can go from anger to depression to numbness in the space of seconds. You can have mood swings like a hormonal teenager again. Anything can happen. The only “normal” is the normal for you.

But Brigid can help. She’s been through this path and she will help you. Either as a support, or a sink for you to express all those really big feelings that don’t seem to die away… she can offer practical support as well in the form of next steps, or a subtle hint as to who to contact in the moment.
Grief is tough. It’s not easy. And we all go through it. But you’re not alone.