Respect vs deference

People often get confused between respect and deference, in my opinion. Particularly when it comes to deity and spirituality. So I want to explore this in more detail today. Now, I have written before and mentioned respect, but I want to explore these concepts in more details today.

Respect

Many people feel that respect is demanded. I don’t. I feel respect is earned. For dear old Dictionary.com:

a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

I tend to develop respect for people and things. Yeah, I’m hedging my bets with deities, because I don’t like pigeon-holing them. Seriously.

But even in spiritual work, we tend to think that because everyone thinks someone is amazing and wonderful, we should think so too… Respect doesn’t work that way. Deference can, but respect doesn’t.

People show they are worthy of respect by their actions. By their words. By how they conduct themselves and the effort they put into walking the walk.

Talking the talk earns you nothing. Well, it doesn’t in my opinion.

That’s why when people meet me or deal with me for the first time, they can sometimes feel I can less than respectful about my spirituality. It’s not the case. I take it very seriously, and I have a great deal of respect for Brigid, in all of her forms.

Derence, though… well that’s a different story.

Deference

polite submission and respect

Dictionary.com again for the above. Deference for me is the show. It’s the bowing and scraping. It’s the “Oh Great One” aspect of worship. And don’t get me wrong, there’s times when deference is definitely required.

I mean, I don’t just go wandering up to the Dagda and smack him on the arse. (Whether he’d enjoy it or not is another story, but I wouldn’t do it – because y’know, deference…)

Deference is more manners and politeness in terms of dealing with deity. There are deities I don’t have a lot of respect for, but I show deference to them – because I don’t want to piss them off. I know – it’s a selfish way of doing it, but it’s important to me! As in, it’s an important safety feature.

Deference can mean using certain greetings, allowing them to speak first, only using formal prayers or meditations to communicate, being very careful around altars and worship formats…

Or it can mean submitting completely – not something I’d generally recommend at all, to anyone. To me that means you as a person are getting lost in the wider deity energy. Who wants that?

Respect vs deference

So, the key part of this to me is that respect is earned, deference is shown. I can show deference all day long, but it has very little relation to the respect I feel for someone. I mean, this is linked to the general Irish way anyway – you know how if we’re very polite and friendly, it means you’re not as close as you think you are to us? It’s when we start ripping the piss that you know you’ve been accepted…

It’s similar. For so long in this country, we were forced to show deference to people who had not earned any respect at all and in fact were actively working to oppress and denigrate our people. We learned different ways of showing respect. We separated out deference and respect in our actions and behaviours.

Being invited into the good room in an Irish house probably means you’re being shown deference. Being thrown into the middle of a chaotic family meal in the kitchen? Respect. Or acceptance at least.

Why is this important?

For me, it’s more important dealing with spiritual leaders, either self-proclaimed or otherwise, than with deity. With deity, throw a bit of deference in anyway, just to be on the safe side.

But someone who is claiming to be an expert and worthy of respect? Well, I’ve found the true people who are worthy of respect are given it. They don’t tend to demand it. The same with deities. The ones that get stuck in, do the work, don’t tend to be the glamorous ones. They don’t tend to be the ones with prescriptive requirements for worship. Oh, they can be exact in their requirements at times and if you volunteer a specific form of worship, they’ll hold you to it.

But I’ve never found Brigid or the Dagda in particular to be adverse to a joke. In mostly appropriate circumstances… The Morrigan has been known to crack a smile as well.

There are deities out there who demand deference. And there are times when even those named above will demand deference. Mostly though, they don’t, in my experience. But they kinda assume the respect is earned.

How do you deal with deference and respect with deity?