When I say reconcile the past, most people think of trauma they endured and things that happened to them. And that is part of it. But it’s also about things we have done to other people. And to ourselves. So, let’s dive in and be honest with ourselves for a bit!
(Why yes, this is the second post in a row on the steps on Brigid’s Path. And yes the 2025 cohort of the Brigid’s Path Collective is currently open for enrollment if you are interested. But it’s also bloody important work to be doing!)
What does reconciling the past mean?
Does it mean being happy with everything you’ve done and everything that’s been done to you? Absolutely not. There are things I have done, both to myself and to others, in the past that I couldn’t be happy with them.
But I can understand my behaviour. That’s key. No one but me walked me down that path to an eating disorder. I was the one that chose to engage in seriously risky drinking and sexual behaviour. My physical condition is a direct result of some very unwise decision making when I was younger. All of that has led to consequences in later life that I have had to deal with.
Does that mean I blame my younger self for this?
Well, there was a time when I did. There was a time when I was so angry with myself, I went through a period of decades long self-loathing. That self-loathing both provoked the unwise behaviour, and that unwise behaviour provoked more self loathing.
Reconciling my past has been a long tough road and it hasn’t really involved time travelling and changing what happened. If anyone know how to do that, let me know, but for now, this is the road I’m on.
Acceptance
In my life, the hardest lesson I ever had to learn was to accept where I was and how I was. That didn’t mean I didn’t want to change things. Far from it. But it meant I accepted that this was who and what and how and where I was at that moment in time.
I know there are some of you out there that are wondering how do you not know who, what where and how you are? Well, I am strong in the self-delusion gene. Or the hiding from myself one. Or the pure lying to myself.
Seriously – I have decades of experience of telling myself I’m happy when I’m not. Or of making sure “mind over matter” is my mantra. Of having all sorts of intricate thought processes that just hide the reality from myself so I don’t have to deal with it.
Yes, this included spiritual bypassing. It is a self-defense mechanism and there were times in my life I needed that. But, if you remember from the previous post on this topic, getting to know yourself also includes recognising those times when you don’t act in your own self-interest. Or at least, not your own long term self-interest.
The biggest lesson I had to learn in reconciling my past? Acceptance. First, I had to accept that I had done things, said things that were hurtful to myself and to others. I had not acted or lived in a way aligned with my values. I had papered over cracks, ignored all sorts of signs and symbols and indications. Reconciling myself to the harm I had done to myself was toughest of all.
Damage
After all, the damage I have done to myself is probably the deepest of all. And I can recognise now that I was a transphobe. A homophobe. Sex negative . Not inclusive. For many of the things I now hold dear, I once stood on the other side of history. And there are doubtless beliefs or actions I hold right now that I will need to accept and heal in the future.
When you know better, do better. (Maya Angelou, we miss you!!)
This doesn’t excuse the harm I did, before I knew better by the way. Part of reconciling my past is to actively work to heal the damage I did. Some of the damage, it’s not in my power to heal – so I work on paying it forward and living in a way that at least doesn’t perpetuate further harm.
And yeah – that has meant losing friendships. Relationships. All of it.
But I have to accept that I did the things that caused harm.
Understanding
Acceptance doesn’t mean you beat yourself up for the rest of your life, by the way. I’m not spending hours each day whipping myself for being a transphobe when I didn’t understand what being trans meant. And – to be fair – I probably still don’t understand all of it, but I’m more prepared to accept that when someone tells me they’re a specific gender, I should just go with it. Cos frankly, there are very few people in this world who’s genitalia I’m interested in. And I can barely manage to dress myself, so why would I worry about what other people are wearing.
If it all comes down to it – other people’s gender expression doesn’t bother me too much in the grand scheme of things.
But holy fuck, I took a long time to get here!
Reconciling with my past also means dealing with my younger self. Because she was a very unhappy person, even when she seemed happiest. She was very often miserable and at war with herself, even when she was laughing and joking and acting like there wasn’t a care in the world.
It’s hard to live like this. It takes so much energy. There’s no spare to engage with things you love. Hobbies go out the window. People laugh at me now for my large collection of books. For reading all the time. But in actual fact, that was a coping mechanism, a survival mechanism, for a long, long time. Accepting that I didn’t really love reading so much as I needed to escape into worlds where the good side usually won and the bad side usually lost and bad things got dealt with… that took a long, long time.
Coping
I had to accept that possibly, one of the defining characteristics of my life – reading – wasn’t really so healthy. That even healthy, laudable habits, when taken to extremes, become unhealthy.
That coping mechanisms – whether books, food, drink, exercise, medication, sex – when taken to extremes, aren’t coping mechanisms anymore. They’re millstones round your neck. It doesn’t matter how healthy the habit is, when it’s taken to extremes, it’s no longer healthy.
And let’s be clear here – what’s an extreme for you might be normal for me and vice versa. You’re the one who gets to decide when a glass of wine at work moves from coping to problematic. Or when that daily run becomes an obsessive behaviour rather than a helpful one.
No one else gets to dictate to you how to live your life. But one of the key stages in any reconciliation is that stage where you are figuring out the patterns that used to work and no longer do. And the signs that what was an excellent, useful coping mechanism is now a weight. And needs to change.
You can’t change the past
And some of the things that need reconciliation may need outside help. I’m not the person to engage with if you’re starting to work on childhood abuse or trauma. There are important psychological processes at work there that you may need professional psychological and/or psychiatric help with.
But I can help with the other stuff. The learning to engage with your younger self. Understanding the drivers that are currently influencing your decision making. Making you aware of the forces acting on you – whether it’s guilt or shame or joy or an outdated sense of self.
And it’s important to do this work, because you can’t move forward easily with all that weight hanging from your neck.
