High Control Religions – Escape

This is part 3 of my ongoing series on high control religions. Parts 1 and 2 are linked.

Today, I want to talk about the difficulties in escaping a high control religion. Now, content warning: the means of control in high control religions are very, very similar to those in domestic abuse situations. Abuse is abuse after all. So if this isn’t the right time for you, maybe skip the post for today!

Knowing you need to escape

Very often in high control religions, someone who is different, or thinking, or questioning, is also feeling that they are wrong. Their sense of self has been systematically undermined, until they are totally reliant one and compliant to their abuser. They have been cut off from alternative ideas, influences, information… so their behaviour, thoughts and emotional responses are controlled in this high control structure.

And, since they are not allowed to question, it can be really, really difficult not to blame themselves. After all, everyone else around them is giving every sign of compliance and happiness. Any attempt at confiding to another person is a risk. They’re the odd one out. They’re the problem.

They just need to try harder.

All rubbish, of course. But that’s the way a high control religion wants you to think. This isn’t about making you feel good about yourself. This is about subservience and obedience.

This can come in the form of suggesting inner work, prayer, shadow work, contemplation, solitude, isolation… all designed to manipulate the person further. It’s another way high control religions maintain,well, control.

Issues with escaping a high control religion

I’m going to focus on a few practical issues here rather than looking at the full gamut of problems. So here we go!

Community

As part of a high control religion, the people who have seen, spoken with, socialised with, lived with over the last while are probably all members of the religion you’re trying to escape.

Yeah, that sentence was a mouthful, sorry.

But it’s no less true. High control religions have a tendency to strongly discourage, if not outright forbid, having relationships with those who are not part of the group. That means any support is probably going to come from strangers. And since you’ve spent the last while in a high control environment, where you can’t trust anyone… well trust is going to be an issue as well.

Everyone you knew is tied up with the previous high control organisation. And you’re starting from scratch…

Except, you’re not even starting from scratch. You’re starting from before scratch. Because you have work to do to even get to scratch. This is less than easy.

Now, of course, in the modern world, if you can maintain a private internet connection, you can build friendships online before you leave. But that “if” is carrying a lot of weight. Many high control religions don’t allow such an unsupervised information route…

So, by leaving, you can be left, alone, isolated in a world you don’t understand and are struggling to navigate. Very often, high control religions let one or two people back in, just to highlight the difficulties in the outside world…

Money

Here’s the next one. And it’s a tough one.

Very often in high control religions, either money is controlled, so that it’s difficult to build up an escape fund, or you are encouraged or forced into low-paying jobs, with the same effect.

Either way, you are likely looking at setting up a new life without any financial cushion. At all.

Now look, there is help out there, but think about it.

• Clothes
• Housing
• Transport
• Internet access
• Food
• Heating/ cooling
• Access to services

How do you access any of this without money?

Even identification is needed for most social welfare programs, so how do you get an ID?

Every little bit of money you have can make things easier, but getting back on your feet is incredibly difficult at the best of times. So, be prepared.

changing world

Depending on how long you spent in the high control religion, the world might have changed significantly. Certainly the community norms that you were used to are not the same outside the organisation.

Obedience is rarely rated in the outside world to the same extent as in these organisations. Critical thinking is a valued skill in the wider world. Dreaming is nearly essential. Self reliance is usually considered a positive trait – as long as it’s not too much.

Language changes. Even the language of emojis is catching up with most of us these days. But if you were isolated for the last 5 years? Well, how the hell do you figure out what 🐶🏠 means??? Or 🙅🍵? (Doghouse, or you’re in said doghouse, followed by not my cup of tea) Acronyms, loanwords, new slang – all can make you feel like you’re an alien from another planet.

And in some ways? You are!

The world is changing at an ever increasing pace. So, even a few short years away from wider society can lead to disorientation at best and complete loss at worst. Getting someone to help you navigate this makes things easier, but that too is difficult.

Is it worth it?

It would definitely be worth it for me. I don’t like being controlled at all. Hell, I barely agree with half the unofficial rules for work…

So, you can imagine that I would prefer almost any hardship before submitting to a high control environment, never mind a high control religion. The thought of having anyone control my thoughts, my access to information, my access to books???

Horrific.

But there is a comfort in staying in a familiar environment. After all, most religious orders are high control environments, with access to the outside world, outside information is highly limited. The difference for me would be that most entries to a religious order would be with full knowledge, a trial period, a novitiate or similar, to try out a lesser level of control and to assess the entrants suitability for the life.

So, it’s not like all high control religious organisations should be wiped from the planet. And for most Roman Catholic orders, there is a documented process for leaving the organisation as well.

Not the case in the most cult-like organisations. Leaving is akin to consigning yourself to hell, in many cases. Or at least, that’s the message the members receive.

Comfort in the familiar. And I realise that some people prefer others to do their thinking for them. I get that. Life can appear simpler and easier with all these decisions being made for you.

Sure.

Wouldn’t be worth it for me though!