Brigid and guilt

I know Brigid isn’t strongly associate with Christmas or Solstice for that matter. But guilt is. It’s a big one this time of year! Today we’re going to talk about how to manage guilt and use Brigid to help.

Now, I’ve written in passing about guilt before. But I’ve not done a deep dive into it at all. And particularly with women, particularly at this time of year, guilt tends to end up playing a major role in events.

Guilt vs Shame

The two can often get confused. I like Psychology Today‘s differentiation:

Shame and guilt are two closely related concepts. While each has been defined in different ways, guilt is typically linked to some specific harm, real or perceived, and shame involves negative feelings about one’s self more generally.

Now, ok that article doesn’t link Brigid and guilt, but bear with me, ok?

Guilt has been posited to be useful in developing social conscience, communities, interpersonal relationships. Mainly in the “apologising when we do wrong” arena. But honestly, that’s not the guilt we’re talking about here.

The problem is that guilt can lead to shame. And both can lead to, or be an element in, mental illness.

So, y’know, I like to give some options.

Particular guilt around holidays

Listen, this is a time of year when “you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people, all of the time” comes into play. Brigid didn’t play with guilt when she had stuff she needed to get done! But also, Brigid wasn’t living in the modern world…

There are loads of conflicting priorities and it gets worse where there are kids involved.

• Cost of presents
• Trying to ensure the child doesn’t get the same pressie from 5 different people
• The time everything takes
• The inevitable feeling that one family or another feels left out
• The growing list of things that make up Christmas (or Hannukah, or Solstice, or whatever your holiday is at this time of year)
• The feeling of begrudgery at having to do all of this
• The feeling of guilt over the begrudgery, followed by anger at the guilt, followed by guilt at the “lack of gratitude”…

Listen, we can spiral away here. What we need are some tried and true tactics.

Brigid, Guilt, What?

Brigid doesn’t play with guilt too much. Particularly in the hagiographies, we see her, time and again, taking steps to make things better rather than live with the guilt.

There’s no element of guilt in here when she makes an unborn baby “go away”. (Read: abortion). Certainly none mentioned at giving away her father’s sword, not to mention pulling out her brother’s eye…

She’s fierce practical, and practicality doesn’t always leave room for guilt. It does sometimes, no one’s perfect. But, y’know, it’s a barrier against guilt.

Y’see, it’s not that Brigid doesn’t feel guilt, I’m sure of that. The TDD weren’t necessarily human in the way we understand it, but they overlap a lot with humans. And that means guilt is on the menu.

But we can’t let guilt paralyse us.

What can we do?

Well, first and foremost, outline the areas where you might be feeling guilt. For most of us, it’s conflicting family needs and wants. There are many people who have a fixed idea of what Christmas must look like and any deviation from that is sacrilegious.

And when you’re the person who needs/wants to deviate from that set idea… well, it can lead to guilt tripping on a massive scale.

Now – there are people who will tell you they don’t feel guilt. I challenge those people to deal with a Catholic family background and say the same. It’s not that it’s a moral failing to not feel guilt. It’s more that it’s bred or bet into us…

So, what are the situations that guilt comes up?

• Kids don’t get the toys they want
• Parents or in-laws don’t feel like you’ve spent enough time with them
• People feel the exchange of gifts was unequal

Honestly, the top two there are the main ones, and really… the second one is the killer.

Brigid was a mother too

Very true. And I’ve no doubt, as a mother, Brigid used guilt as a weapon in her toolbox to try and engage with her kid(s)

And, going by my experience in the last few days, it’s usually mothers pulling on the guilt strings. Worse – it’s usually their daughters they’re pulling on.

When the sayings such as “your son is your son til he gets a wife, your daughter is your daughter all your life” are still so common, maybe it’s no wonder.

But as Gen X women, and older Millennials, we are breaking these chains, ok?

And that means standing up and shaking off the guilt. Reach into yourself and imagine how you want your kids to feel about you in their 40’s, 50’s and beyond.

And think of what’s important to you in this holiday season.

Truly important

Do you hanker after a house full of people, chaotic, but full of love?

Is more a quiet day with no phones beeping?

A grand feast, with everyone squishing around the table?

My husband? His essential component is the Dr Who Christmas Special.

Mine? Two solid days away from work, emails, etc to read. And watch some films.

It hasn’t been easy getting here. But we had always said once we got married, we’d be spending Christmas on our own, building our own traditions.

But once people have built expectations, how do you re-set?

Bit by bit.

Looks, Brigid – nor guilt – never said things were easy or quick. And this probably won’t be either. But this year, pick one thing that is truly important to you. Is it a carol service? A walk with the family? A single hour alone, with no demands being placed on you?

Talk to those who will be affected by this. Set this plan in motion. Make sure it’s feasible. While I’d love to fly our whole family over to Lanzarote for a week in the sun – it’s not feasible. Not unless I win the lotto tomorrow night and even then…

But be clear on what you’re claiming for you this Christmas.

But the guilt, Orlagh!

Yeah, I know. Just remember, someone else trying to guilt you, doesn’t mean you have to take on their attempts.

And always have a few key phrases in your back pocket.

1. “I hear that this matters to you. Here’s what I can realistically do.”
   This acknowledges their feelings while clearly stating your limits.
2. “I appreciate how much you care about family traditions. I need to do what works for my family this year.”
   Shows respect for their values but asserts your autonomy.
3. “I understand this is disappointing. My decision is not about you, it’s about what’s best for me right now.”
   Separates their emotions from your choices, reducing guilt.
4. “I love you and want to enjoy our time together. That means I need to set this boundary so I don’t feel overwhelmed.”
   Frames the boundary as a way to preserve the relationship.
5. “I can’t do everything you’re asking, but here’s what I can offer.”
   Keeps the tone collaborative while maintaining control.

Now, this isn’t easy. Especially not if you’re not used to setting boundaries and dealing with guilt. But it’s worth it.

The above phrases are the basis, but you’ll probably need to adjust to suit your situations. For example:

1. Listen, I know you love the whole family being there on Christmas Day. The thing is, it’s a 3 hour round trip and we’ll be exhausted. How about we spend the night on the 28th instead?
2. I completely understand that ye’ve always gone to Midnight Mass together. But we need to start traditions for our family now. And for us, it’s more important for the kids to get to bed before 9pm than to go to Midnight Mass.
3. I completely understand you’re disappointed about not seeing us on Christmas Day. This isn’t about not wanting to see you, it’s about letting the kids relax in their own home.
4. I love you, I want to spend time with you. But honestly, I finish work on Christmas Eve and I’m back in on the 27th. I just need to crash those few days so I don’t get completely overwhelmed.
5. I don’t get enough time off work to stay with ye for 2 weeks. I could come up for New Year’s Eve and stay 2 days?

While Brigid might not have had to deal with this sort of guilt, she doesn’t understand clear boundaries. Operating in the liminal can be powerful, but when it comes to families – clear, concrete, deliberate boundaries tend to work best.

Don’t spend the holidays eaten up with guilt

Take a leaf out of Brigid’s book and try to wash away the guilt. It doesn’t do any good and basically, ties you and probably half the family in knots.

Set clear boundaries.

Stick to said boundaries.

Plan in time for your important thing.

And do better next year!