I was planning a post on colonisation this week to follow on from last week’s one on the Great Famine. But then a conversation at the weekend got me thinking about society instead. And our place within it.
What are our duties to society, as members of that group?
Now, I’m using society here as others would use “culture”, “land”, “people”, “tuath”. I mean the people we live with, the laws we (mostly) abide by, that sort of thing. What do we owe our communities? Our families? Ourselves?
Let’s define what we mean by society
As you were reading that list of things above you were probably thinking all these are alternatives to society, but don’t really tell me what the damn thing actually is, Orlagh. So cough up!
Dictionary.com comes to the rescue:
the aggregate of people living together in a more or less ordered community.
I mean, of course there are other meanings. It can also mean a group of people coming together because of a specific shared interest, or High Society, where we have defined a subgroup of people within a broader context.
But really, we use society when we’re talking about the people in an area. Sometimes as large as a whole continent, sometimes as small as a single street. It doesn’t really matter.
It’s the people that make up the group. And how those people behave make up the social norms for that group. So, as we go through the rest of this – and I’ll give you the context in the next section – remember, we’re talking about people. Sure, we’re going to mention organisations, groups, individuals, officials, all sorts. But they’re all people at their hearts.
(OK most of them are people – I have my doubts about some!)
The context
I was talking to a friend at the weekend about the experiences of women during investigations into sexual assaults (SA) and rape. And to start with, he was very much of the opinion that it was a woman’s duty to society report the rape and go through the investigation. Now, I vehemently disagree with this, but being the lovely person I am (and he’s a good person really, just hadn’t thought about the consequences of his line of thought) I kept on speaking with him on the topic.
I know – I’m a saint! (<– sarcasm)
We spoke about some of my experiences with various forms of SA. And how I didn’t report the vast majority of them and why. I explained how women have used “gossip” for generations to warn others of violence or misbehaviour, and why they couldn’t come public about any of it. I spoke of the many, many ways various religions and state organisations have made it so women are not safe to come forward about these things publicly.
But, he replied – that’s not modern Ireland. We’re different. Our society is different. We treat women better.
Are we though?
The following is a series of links to the SA and rape cases I remember in the last decade or so. Please don’t click the links if you’re not able to:
Let’s be clear – I could list at least one case from pretty much every county in Ireland. And the treatment of people is improving slightly, but it’s not there yet.
Women are equal in society, but their behaviour is more on trial than an accused rapist in these cases.
He changed his mind
I turned it around then and said I hope his daughters would never face that decision. That got him thinking. He started thinking of the individual women in the case then as people not just victims. He started thinking of the effect on his family, his daughters.
Now to be clear – this man is fairly well educated in these matters. He’s a feminist and walks the walk most of the time. But he has a few blind spots and this was one of them. We talked through what it means to be part of an investigation for SA or rape. We talked about the “rape kit“, re-traumatisation of victims – even with the best of intentions!
OK, we talked through a lot.
Or at least agreed to think about a woman’s “duty” to society in these cases. Because while I agree it’s ideal if a woman can report a SA and/or rape, there is a huge physical and mental toll to doing so.
Which brings me back to the original thought that prompted this post.
What do we owe the society in which we live?
Do we owe it our mental health?
Our privacy?
Our sexual history?
Careers?
Families?
Children?
Relationships?
Where do we draw the line?
What aboutery in our society
The worst part about this is that, it’s such a personal decision for everyone. Gisèle Pelicot took a very brave decision to waive her right to privacy to aid in the prosecution’s case (as far as I understand it. I may be wrong with regard to her reasons mind!) And then she had to go back to court to prove that while she had waived her right to privacy in that one regard, she had not waived it in general.
Now, Mme Pelicot is a class act in general. Her award from the second case has been donated to two charities, helping women. She is some woman, to say the least!
But hers was a relatively “straightforward” place. She was drugged and sold and raped without her knowledge.
What about the woman who has had a glass of wine?
Or who dressed in a way some might find sexy?
Or who – God forbid! – wore a lacy thong?
The whataboutery in our society when it comes to this sort of thing is horrendous. And when reporting crimes of this nature, we have to take into account the effect it will have on ourselves, our families and our society.
So what do we owe our society?
I don’t think we owe our society our privacy, our mental health, our history. What other crime demands so much exposure from the victim?
I said on Saturday I would never suggest to a woman to go to the Guards post-SA. And I defended my position. Because it can be immensely re-traumatising. It’s not something anyone should be forced into, or even have to be talked into. It should be something a victim arrives at by themselves.
I feel very strongly about this.
Now, I write and teach about Brig Ambue – the one who looks after the weak and helpless and less fortunate – literally the cowless. And looking through as many of the texts as I can stomach, the Brehon laws were big on reparative justice. Not confinement – that was for hostages, and even then… not always.
So, what do you think Brigid – in any of her guises – would say about the way we treat victims in this way? To be clear – the Brehon Laws were not brilliant in cases of SA with get-out-of-jail cards for if a woman was in a pub without her husband, or was in a populated place and didn’t call out…
Not perfect. But was it any better than what we force victims to do?
