Last week, we talked about why you might seek a spiritual coach. This week, I want to work through the things to look for in a good spiritual coach. This article actually gave me a lot of food for thought on the topic and helped me crystalise my thinking.
They walk the walk
This is such a big deal. Authenticity is another word here. Do as I do, not as I say is another way of putting it. A good spiritual coach will back up words with deeds.
Essentially, are they living their life in a way that supports the way they speak to you. If they advocate a meditation practice, do they meditate? For people who support daily prayer, what’s their own prayer like?
If someone, looking at no one in particular here but possibly myself, asks you to give yourself a break, do they hold themselves to impossibly high standards or do they allow themselves to be human?
No one’s perfect, myself least of all. But if someone is actively engaged in practices that directly go against what they say for you to do – they are not a good spiritual coach.
For example, someone who extolls ethical living, but embraces shady business practices – not a good spiritual coach. Someone who maintains they are a “good Christian”, but practices hate against persons or groups – not a good spiritual coach. Toxic positivity? Not a good spiritual coach. Toxic negativity? Ditto.
A place of compassion
In my opinion, a good spiritual coach comes from a place of open mindedness and compassion. They understand that not everyone has the same life experiences, or understanding of how the world works.
This doesn’t mean accepting inappropriate or demeaning behaviour, mind. A coach, any coach, is responsible for keeping themselves safe first and foremost.
But just because someone has an outburst against, for example, Irish people in New York, doesn’t mean they’re a terrible person. Someone with questionable judgement, maybe, since the Irish are – naturally – perfect in every way (please read the sarcasm in that last sentence, ok???) But not a terrible person.
A good spiritual coach should be able to deal with people who come to them with different world views, but with the intent of being open to exploration. Or at least be aware of their own limitations.
For example, I would never go to someone who describes themselves as a Christian spiritual coach. Because they would not be able to support a path like mine, crossing over and back between Catholicism and paganism, as if the barrier didn’t exist at all.
Neither would I expect a committed Hindi to come to me for spiritual counselling, unless they were interested in exploring an Irish paganism path, or a path combining spiritual traditions.
But even if someone did come to me already on a path completely at odds with my own, I would treat them with compassion.
A good transparent spiritual coach
I feel like I’m pretty transparent with my views on things. I write and on my email list and in the Facebook group showing what I think on different political, spiritual and personal topics. Even in coaching, I feel I’m fairly clear on where my expertise begins and ends.
This is important. Because, ideally, you will be building a strong relationship with your spiritual coach. Or indeed, with any coach. You have to build trust, rapport, engagement. It’s not enough to show up once a week or once a month and talk for an hour. There needs to be an exchange of words in a deeper way than casual conversation.
If you are discussing your spiritual path with someone, then you need to know who you’re talking to. Daniel Hannah, in the Linkedin article I linked at the start of this post, speaks about the masks that some coaches wear. He also mentions a coach who is clear about where you are at and where they are at. So, for example, I will let people know if life is stressful outside of our coaching sessions – it’s usually to explain a possibly grumpy exterior or a wrinkle in my brow. Many of my clients are very perceptive, so hiding small details only leads to mistrust.
Be honest
By saying, “Hey, the day job is really shitty right now, it’s nothing to do with you and I’m dying to dive in here” it gives them the reassurance that they are not imagining things and that I’m really ok to talk to them, while not putting any pressure on them. Or, indeed, I have had some clients message saying they are feeling out of sorts, grumpy, stressed, whatever and want to rearrange a session. I accommodate these where I can. For the same reasons.
Possibly more important? Is when a coach is self-aware enough to refuse to work with someone. This doesn’t mean you are too much, too weird, too out there. It just means they don’t have the bandwidth, experience or knowledge to be comfortable working with you and give you the best possible outcomes.
A good spiritual coach might explore and guide, but you do the work
This can be critical in achieving a positive outcome from coaching. A good spiritual coach will almost certain explore with you and guide you. But equally – they will not do the work for you.
And they will be very clear about this.
I often describe myself as a torchbearer on Brigid’s Path. Or a guide. But all I can do is show you the way. I can’t do the work for you. Particularly not with spiritual work. Whether it’s inner work, shadow work, exploration of a new path, development of a shallow path, whatever…
The work is for you to do. A coach can be a complete waste of resources if you are not willing to step up and do the work. And frankly, most good coaches, spiritual or otherwise, will challenge you if they notice this pattern with you.
Sometimes if can be a sign you’re not on the right path. Otherwise it can be a pattern of behaviour where you’re subconsciously trying to avoid something. (Or indeed, consciously trying to avoid something) But the work is yours to do. Not the coach’s.
Next week
For the next post, I’ll be looking at red and green flags to look for in a spiritual coach. For now, if you have any questions or want to pursue working with me in this or another context, drop me an email at orlagh@mybrigidsforge.com
