Category: Spirituality

Brigid’s Path: the path forward

I know the Path Forward is one of the more complicated parts of Brigid’s Path to explain. Really, it comes at the point where you’re ready to move forward on your own.

Brigid's Path: the Path Forward can be as lonely as this Irish country road - it doesn't technically have grass in the middle, but it's close!
This is a not untypical Irish country road…

And how do I explain what that looks like, when it’s so bloody individual?

But here’s where the value of the Collective comes into its own…

Brigid’s Path: the path forward

So, here’s the thing. At this point in the journey, you’ve done the internal work. Gotten to know yourself. Reconciled the past. Found your joy. Determined your knowledge.

Basically, you have a really strong foundation built for yourself. But on Brigid’s Path, the path forward is yours alone. You take the decisions and decide what way you’re walking. (Or y’know, rolling, crawling, hobbling, etc…) And it can be overwhelming. Or… enough to have you stopping walking the path altogether and scuttle back to – well not safety exactly, but the familiar.

I know – I’ve been round this particular block a few times. Several… hundred… or so. Brigid has been extremely patient with me.

And at times, she’s smacked me up the head with some information she feels I’ve not been paying attention to. She’s usually right.

So determining what your path forward looks like is really up to you. There is a lot of meditation and visualisation work in this session(s). We workshop what your path forward looks like – for now anyway. Things change – and we’ll deal with that in the final step.

But for now – we’re looking at the things you’ve identified on your path with Brigid so far, and looking at the path forward for you.

Unique?

Yes. I firmly believe that while many of our paths might overlap, we each walk our own path. There’s no point in walking someone else’s path. Their path will be fully appropriate for them. It might almost fit you, but you want something tailored exactly for you.

Not something that almost fits.

I’ve said this over and over and over again, even in this short post. I know.

But it’s worth repeating, again and again and again.

This isn’t about finding someone else’s path. This is about your path. What works for you, your life, your desires, your responsibilities.

If my path worked for you – sure, you could copy it. But I’ll admit, very readily, my path won’t work for everyone. In fact, my path won’t work for most. I’m odd and strange in many ways and the way I walk Brigid’s Path is no different. Your path forward might overlap with mine. You might for example have a keen interest in diversity and inclusion, as I do. But you might have a focus on race or ability rather than my focus of gender diversity in engineering.

And that’s great. We need more people working in all these areas, as this enriches Brigid’s Path for everyone and our collective road forward.

Why the focus on the individual?

Because that’s where our “traditional” or “organised” religions are failing us. They come up with a list of rules and conditions and structures that work for those people creating them. And they forget that these might not work for everyone. In fact, there an extremely strong possibility they won’t work for everyone. The whole point of stepping outside these strictures is to construct your own path.

So, the individual is what’s important here. That doesn’t mean you can’t use some of the traditional structures you grew up with, if they are supportive and helpful. A few “Hail Marys” is a great way for me to calm my body and focus my mind, to be honest. But that’s not for everyone. And I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone.

Brigid’s Path is based on the individual. It means more work. More effort on your part. There are very few, if any, shortcuts. Sometimes, you find yourself going back to first principles, over and over and over again. It gets discouraging., at times. So, yes, there is 100% focus on the individual, but by taking part in the Collective you can gain the support and cheerleading of your group.

And oh man, does that come in useful!!

I know this is fairly vague – no more than Brigid’s Path itself!

And that’s partly because of the individual experience here. There are a number of meditations and visualisations to get through. There a lot of discussions around what will and won’t work for you. Whereas with the first four steps, there is a fair bit of overlap in the activities being done, with the last two – it’s extremely individual.

And that’s ok.

The important thing is to remember this is your path to walk!

Brigid’s Path: Reconcile the past

When I say reconcile the past, most people think of trauma they endured and things that happened to them. And that is part of it. But it’s also about things we have done to other people. And to ourselves. So, let’s dive in and be honest with ourselves for a bit!

(Why yes, this is the second post in a row on the steps on Brigid’s Path. And yes the 2025 cohort of the Brigid’s Path Collective is currently open for enrollment if you are interested. But it’s also bloody important work to be doing!)

What does reconciling the past mean?

Does it mean being happy with everything you’ve done and everything that’s been done to you? Absolutely not. There are things I have done, both to myself and to others, in the past that I couldn’t be happy with them.

But I can understand my behaviour. That’s key. No one but me walked me down that path to an eating disorder. I was the one that chose to engage in seriously risky drinking and sexual behaviour. My physical condition is a direct result of some very unwise decision making when I was younger. All of that has led to consequences in later life that I have had to deal with.

Does that mean I blame my younger self for this?

Well, there was a time when I did. There was a time when I was so angry with myself, I went through a period of decades long self-loathing. That self-loathing both provoked the unwise behaviour, and that unwise behaviour provoked more self loathing.

Reconciling my past has been a long tough road and it hasn’t really involved time travelling and changing what happened. If anyone know how to do that, let me know, but for now, this is the road I’m on.

A picture of an Irish country road with more potholes than road. A pictorial representation of my reconciliation of my past... Reconcile your past early and this might not happen!!
If there was a pictorial representation of my life’s journey…

Acceptance

In my life, the hardest lesson I ever had to learn was to accept where I was and how I was. That didn’t mean I didn’t want to change things. Far from it. But it meant I accepted that this was who and what and how and where I was at that moment in time.

I know there are some of you out there that are wondering how do you not know who, what where and how you are? Well, I am strong in the self-delusion gene. Or the hiding from myself one. Or the pure lying to myself.

Seriously – I have decades of experience of telling myself I’m happy when I’m not. Or of making sure “mind over matter” is my mantra. Of having all sorts of intricate thought processes that just hide the reality from myself so I don’t have to deal with it.

Yes, this included spiritual bypassing. It is a self-defense mechanism and there were times in my life I needed that. But, if you remember from the previous post on this topic, getting to know yourself also includes recognising those times when you don’t act in your own self-interest. Or at least, not your own long term self-interest.

The biggest lesson I had to learn in reconciling my past? Acceptance. First, I had to accept that I had done things, said things that were hurtful to myself and to others. I had not acted or lived in a way aligned with my values. I had papered over cracks, ignored all sorts of signs and symbols and indications. Reconciling myself to the harm I had done to myself was toughest of all.

Damage

After all, the damage I have done to myself is probably the deepest of all. And I can recognise now that I was a transphobe. A homophobe. Sex negative . Not inclusive. For many of the things I now hold dear, I once stood on the other side of history. And there are doubtless beliefs or actions I hold right now that I will need to accept and heal in the future.

When you know better, do better. (Maya Angelou, we miss you!!)

This doesn’t excuse the harm I did, before I knew better by the way. Part of reconciling my past is to actively work to heal the damage I did. Some of the damage, it’s not in my power to heal – so I work on paying it forward and living in a way that at least doesn’t perpetuate further harm.

And yeah – that has meant losing friendships. Relationships. All of it.

But I have to accept that I did the things that caused harm.

Understanding

Acceptance doesn’t mean you beat yourself up for the rest of your life, by the way. I’m not spending hours each day whipping myself for being a transphobe when I didn’t understand what being trans meant. And – to be fair – I probably still don’t understand all of it, but I’m more prepared to accept that when someone tells me they’re a specific gender, I should just go with it. Cos frankly, there are very few people in this world who’s genitalia I’m interested in. And I can barely manage to dress myself, so why would I worry about what other people are wearing.

If it all comes down to it – other people’s gender expression doesn’t bother me too much in the grand scheme of things.

But holy fuck, I took a long time to get here!

Reconciling with my past also means dealing with my younger self. Because she was a very unhappy person, even when she seemed happiest. She was very often miserable and at war with herself, even when she was laughing and joking and acting like there wasn’t a care in the world.

It’s hard to live like this. It takes so much energy. There’s no spare to engage with things you love. Hobbies go out the window. People laugh at me now for my large collection of books. For reading all the time. But in actual fact, that was a coping mechanism, a survival mechanism, for a long, long time. Accepting that I didn’t really love reading so much as I needed to escape into worlds where the good side usually won and the bad side usually lost and bad things got dealt with… that took a long, long time.

Coping

I had to accept that possibly, one of the defining characteristics of my life – reading – wasn’t really so healthy. That even healthy, laudable habits, when taken to extremes, become unhealthy.

That coping mechanisms – whether books, food, drink, exercise, medication, sex – when taken to extremes, aren’t coping mechanisms anymore. They’re millstones round your neck. It doesn’t matter how healthy the habit is, when it’s taken to extremes, it’s no longer healthy.

And let’s be clear here – what’s an extreme for you might be normal for me and vice versa. You’re the one who gets to decide when a glass of wine at work moves from coping to problematic. Or when that daily run becomes an obsessive behaviour rather than a helpful one.

No one else gets to dictate to you how to live your life. But one of the key stages in any reconciliation is that stage where you are figuring out the patterns that used to work and no longer do. And the signs that what was an excellent, useful coping mechanism is now a weight. And needs to change.

You can’t change the past

And some of the things that need reconciliation may need outside help. I’m not the person to engage with if you’re starting to work on childhood abuse or trauma. There are important psychological processes at work there that you may need professional psychological and/or psychiatric help with.

But I can help with the other stuff. The learning to engage with your younger self. Understanding the drivers that are currently influencing your decision making. Making you aware of the forces acting on you – whether it’s guilt or shame or joy or an outdated sense of self.

And it’s important to do this work, because you can’t move forward easily with all that weight hanging from your neck.

Brigid’s Path: Know yourself!

The first step on Brigid’s Path is “Know Yourself”. People often as why? Well, we’re going to explore this in this post. And for those of you wondering if you’ve seen me writing on this before? Well yes, yes you have!

But first, I want to take you to last Friday night. I had a work night out and I really just wasn’t feeling it. I have been having fun in recent years with my make up. I’ve been experimenting with different eye shadows, different lip colours, just generally having fun. And it’s become part of my enjoyment of a night out.

But last Friday? Nope. Just… wasn’t….

And it took me a while to figure out why.

Picture of me, not being 100% happy with how I looked, but struggling with knowing myself enough to figure out why!
Yes this is me with the finished look from Friday night

What was going on?

Well, I didn’t like my foundation. You know when I figured this out? On the car drive home the following morning. Knowing yourself doesn’t always come with instant recognition.

But, I did figure it out and I knew something was wrong.

What didn’t I like? It was too watery. It felt like it was sitting on top of my skin rather than blending in. And – wonder of wonders for a 90’s woman – it was too pale…

(My former Goth-adjacent self is shuddering at that last sentence!)

But it’s all true. It just took me a while to figure out what was going on. I thought I was getting tired of my Il Makiage Woke Up Like This foundation – I hadn’t. I just needed to get a new bottle of it cos I’ve had that one for… (checks emails for last order)… more than 2 years. And even by my standards, that’s a while for a foundation to last. But a) I don’t wear make up that much and b) I kinda forget when I buy things, so I forget they need replacing before I use them all up!

If I didn’t know this about myself, I’d still be worrying about what was bothering me about that look. (And payday’s Thursday, my Il Makiage basket is ready for checkout!!)

Knowing myself in a broader sense

Now ok, ye don’t usually come to this blog for make-up tips. Or if you do, you’re going to be severely disappointed!!

When Brigid came to me first with the idea I had to get to know myself, I honestly didn’t know what she meant. Seriously. It didn’t make sense to be at all. Sure I had been living with myself for decades, my whole life even. How could I not know myself?

Well, I have an amazing skill in not knowing myself. For all sorts of reasons, I had turned not knowing myself into an art form. And a lot of us who grew up in the 80’s and 90’s are the same. Those “journeys of self-discovery” we saw coming from the States weren’t just pompous, entitled bullshit. They were damned necessary in many cases. (Albeit privileged in many ways!) Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love is the one that comes to mind. I’d love to be able to take that year long break that she did and head off to Italy, India and Bali (or, more likely in my case, places with lower temperatures and less spicy food…) For most of us, that option just isn’t available.

But you know what is available?

Tools and techniques

Yes. Now, in the Brigid’s Path Collective. we go through 4-6 weeks of this. So, there is a lot we cover and discuss and engage with. There are journaling questions, meditations, discussions… Lots goes on. But here’s a few things you can do yourself.

Google various quizzes. Here are a few of my favourite free or low(ish) cost quizzes:

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/personality-quiz#1

https://www.truity.com/test/big-five-personality-test

https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/testcenter

https://www.discprofile.com/what-is-disc#:~:text=DiSC%20is%20an%20acronym%20that,on%20accomplishing%20bottom%2Dline%20results.

https://5voices.com

I’m not getting any income from these, they’re just personality quizzes I have found useful in my quest to understand myself better.

There are also a mountain of books I have found useful – this surprises no one, right? Ye know by now that my preferred means of absorbing information is a lovely comfy reading session.

The important thing is, you’re collecting information about yourself.

What to do with that information though?

Well, there are another 5 steps in the path, so don’t panic too much yet. But essentially, to understand what you need to progress down any path, you need to know where you are and what you need to survive.

For me, this involves my basic pillars of survival and thrival: food, water, movement, fresh air, sleep. If I get all of these in adequate quantities daily, life is good. And yes, this is all part of the information I had to figure out for myself. Seriously – the food part was so hard. If I can prevent even one more person in this world going down the eating disorder route… it’s not worth it, folks, and we all know better now, so let’s help the younger generations, yeah?

But why the first step?

For any journey to begin, you need to know where you are. That means acknowledging who you are, what you know and don’t know, what you want to learn, what you don’t want to know buy probably need to know anyway…

It means uncovering those shadowed areas of yourself and your soul. Looking in the mirror and determining if you like what you see, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

It means engaging with the times in your life you feel embarrassed and ashamed about. Examining your conscious about certain ongoing activities and see how you feel about it.

You don’t have to change anything just yet. But you do have to know how you feel about yourself. Your actions. Your behaviour.

No one said this would be easy

And it doesn’t always have to be difficult, either. There is plenty of both kinds of work involved in this journey.

But this is where you start.

Who are you?

What are you?

Where are you?

How did you get here?

What are the defining moments of your life to date?

What are the forces that shaped you?

What are you proud of? Not proud of?

Start asking yourself these questions. Spend some time with you and get to know yourself like you would a new friend. It’s worth it.

Brigid and war (2)

I have written on Brigid and War before and Brigid as Warrior before. But I want to revisit the topic. Because the world is becoming a scarier place right now. For almost all of us. The cost of food is rising. Alliances thought unshakeable are, indeed shaking. The dollar is looking increasingly volatile – disturbing for the currency usually considered the world’s safe haven currency.

What has this got to do with war?

Traditionally, war is seen as a great way to implement drastic changes to society in the name of the National Interest. And many times, these changes are not in the best interests of the people at all. So, let’s take a look at the world today, in the context of Brigid and war and see where we end up.

Global conflicts

I’ve used Wikipedia for this. I’ll let you read the numbers for yourself. But a lot of these wars have been ongoing for more than 75 years. Well ok, a lot is subjective, but even 1 is too many. And ok, Brigid probably isn’t involved in too many of them.

Surprising no one, I bet, Ukraine is topping the charts for the most deaths in the last 2 years, with Palestine coming second.

Mural of Brigid in Drogheda, showing saint and deity. While the saint is obviously connected with war, the deity... is.

I want you to note here, I’m not commenting on the rights and wrong of any of these wars. If you want to read my thoughts on conflict in various nations, search the blog for that country’s name.

But looking across the world, there is a theme in the nations embroiled in conflict.

A map of the world showing the countries engaged in armed conflict right now. The darker the colour, the grater the number of deaths. From the wiki article.
Map of conflicts across the globe. The darker the colour the more deaths involved.

Most if not all of them are former colonies. Of someone. Mostly European powers. Brigid’s views on war might not be 100% clear, but her views on colonisation have been made pretty clear to me anyway.

It’s a bad thing. Fighting against an oppressor is almost a requirement for survival. Oppression, genocide, eradication of a country’s traditions, culture and history, are all side effects of colonisation. Brigid has been here with Ireland over the last millennia. When we fought, and still fight, to keep our culture and traditions alive.

Brigid and the types of war

While global conflicts are top of the list when looking at war, Brigid is also engaged with culture wars.

And in fact, one might say that with her standing as poet, culture wars might be even more in her remit than physical war. Right now, there is a general European and America swing to the right. It’s a bad move in my opinion, but hey ho, I don’t control the world. But look at what Brigid stands for. Brig Ambue in particular looks after those who need it in the world. In the War on Poverty, Brigid is in the front lines.

In the War on Child Abuse, Brigid is in the front lines.

War on Drugs? Maybe, maybe not. But the effects of illegal drugs in impoverished communities? Hell, yes.

War for the souls of our nations? Yes. I see her there, in the front lines again.

You see, propaganda from all sides seeks to override our critical thinking skills. All the time. And in all her professions, critical thinking is vital for Brigid. As it is for us as well.

What type of world do you want to live in?

One where the strong take from the weak?

Or where society looks after the less-well-off, the weak, the ill…

One where only productivity is valued?

Or one where art, music, language can flourish along with work that makes the big money?

One where the wealth gap not only rivals but surpasses that of Medieval Europe?

Or one where all people can live lives secure in the knowledge they will have food, shelter, water, comfort…

Which side of this war do you think Brigid is on?

What’s next?

Well, the US situation is, I hope, a wake up call for all of us. Here in Ireland, some fuckwits are suggesting Conor McGregor for our next President. Thankfully, the systems that lead to nomination as president should prevent him from even being on the ballot. I hope. But it’s a sign this disease is reaching our shores as well.

And hell, yes, I will be calling in Brigid to help us in this war. We’re only in the beginning stages, whereas others are in the depths. But that doesn’t mean we can’t fight.

Brigid isn’t going to do the work for us. We have to do that ourselves. But we can ask for her help, her support, her energy.

She won’t fight our wars for us. We must do that.

But it’s time to stop ignoring the signs of this disease and division in all our nations. And start the work to heal.

For those who are US based, you can join our Hope and Healing Hub here. $25 a month and each fully paid sign up funds a scholarship as well.

If you are elsewhere in the world and would like a similar group for your area, or you are interested in the scholarship option for the current hub, drop me an email on orlagh@mybrigidsforge.com

Spiritual leadership

I’ve been writing about high control religions for a while. And I have significant problems with most institutions of organised religion. But today I want to talk about spiritual leadership. I’m not necessarily talking about pagan priesthood here, although if you are interested in that topic, you could do a lot worse than reading Lora O’Brien’s book of the same name.

But I don’t want to think about the priesthood part today. Today, I want to talk about the leadership part.

The front cover of Lora O'Brien's book, A practical guide to pagan priesthood. It covers spiritual leadership as part of the contents.
It’s a great book!

What is spiritual leadership?

Much of what I found online with regard to spiritual leadership was in relation to Protestant communities in the US. And they’re not always the most… balanced of descriptions. However. They do tend to mention things like: service, hope, faith, influence, altruism, love…

Honestly, looking at the people who claim to espouse these things and the way they appear to act… I question their fidelity to these ideas. There is a lot of talk about “love the sinner, hate the sin” but that sort of leadership tends to condemn people rather than support them!

For me, spiritual leadership is far more about presenting options and walking the walk. In fact, if I had to choose between the two, walking the walk would be most important. Leading by example, showing how to live in line with spiritual beliefs, indeed – even showing how to develop those spiritual beliefs… These to me are the important aspects of spiritual leadership.

Authenticity

We hear a lot about being authentic in the modern world. And this is important in the context of spiritual leadership. But what do we mean when we say “authentic”?

Am I being authentic if I modify my behaviour according to where I am and who I’m with?

Am I being authentic if I change the words I use, based on the situation?

What about clothes and personal presentation?

I would argue all of the above are authentic. I don’t wear the same clothes to work as I do lounging about at home. That doesn’t make me less authentic. The fact that most of the time, any spiritual work I do is done in casual clothing, doesn’t make the times I dress up for the occasion any less authentic.

In the same way, you’d hardly wear the same clothes to a wedding as you would cleaning the toilets…

It’s horses for courses. But all of my clothes these days are authentically me. That is – comfy, soft, loose, requiring no tight or binding underwear. And probably flat shoes or possible very low heels.

My days of wasting energy pretending to be someone I’m not are long over. And it’s the same in my spiritual life.

Yes, there are occasions when I make a bigger deal over something. Imbolc for example, I don’t just treat like another day. Sometimes I’ll dress up in nice clothes, sometimes I’ll do a formal ritual, sometimes I’ll cook a special meal. But there are also years when any Imbolc ritual I perform is performed in my jammies, half asleep, just struggling to get through the day.

To my mind, showing both types of ritual is an important part of authentic spiritual leadership.

Community

Now, most if not all spiritual leaders are involved in community at some level. Those who know me will know my community is mostly online. That doesn’t mean it is any less a community than one that can meet regularly face to face.

I firmly believe we all need community of some sort. And in particular with the way politics is going in the United States right now – it’s a scary time. So community is more important than ever. The so-called spiritual leaders I’m seeing coming to the fore in the US right now? Are the kind I myself would run a mile from.

But I do know several people over there that are trying to build community. The idea of Brig Briciu, the hosteller, is coming to the fore again, big time. (I have a whole 5 week course on the Brigs in Ulster, if you want to dive in more) But the hosteller in particular, I feel, is relevant here.

Hostels in ancient Ireland were places of rest. It was a position of seniority and recognition of wealth in the community. One of the main responsibilities? Keeping the occupants of their hostel safe. And to do that, you had to have some key leadership qualities.

And, yes, some key spiritual leadership qualities. This comes back to practical spirituality. This was in service to the community. And more and more I see the need in the US and in other places around the world, for spaces of safety. For spaces where people can relax and be themselves. They don’t have to hide or pretend to be someone or something they’re not.

Imagine the fight that’s already starting – the US is in the news, but it’s coming in Europe, Asia, the rest of the Americas, Oceania, Africa… (Not sure about Antartica yet, but maybe the penguins have some work to do?)

There are spiritual forces arising in the world. And providing a space for people to be safe, for communities to come together, is going to be more and more important in the times to come.

Who can be a spiritual leader?

Well anyone.

Can you show the way?

Can you offer people a safe space to gather in community?

Do you have the ability to listen? And more, to hear?

Have you the ability to be yourself?

It doesn’t matter where you are in the world. I’d like to hope that Ireland might escape the swing to the right we’re seeing all over the world, but I also know that a man found civilly liable for rape is thinking about running for president and people are supporting him. Not too many, not yet, but people think he’s a worthwhile example of Irishness…

So, no one’s safe really. But we can lean on each other. We can engage in the spiritual leadership we see missing around us. We can offer what we can.

The fight isn’t only held on the front lines, people.

Respect vs deference

People often get confused between respect and deference, in my opinion. Particularly when it comes to deity and spirituality. So I want to explore this in more detail today. Now, I have written before and mentioned respect, but I want to explore these concepts in more details today.

Respect

Many people feel that respect is demanded. I don’t. I feel respect is earned. For dear old Dictionary.com:

a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

An image of Cartman from South Park with his iconic "respect my authority" face. Very often, people mistake deference and respect.... and it's mostly due to a misunderstanding of what each means...
Yes, I know, I’m dating myself!

I tend to develop respect for people and things. Yeah, I’m hedging my bets with deities, because I don’t like pigeon-holing them. Seriously.

But even in spiritual work, we tend to think that because everyone thinks someone is amazing and wonderful, we should think so too… Respect doesn’t work that way. Deference can, but respect doesn’t.

People show they are worthy of respect by their actions. By their words. By how they conduct themselves and the effort they put into walking the walk.

Talking the talk earns you nothing. Well, it doesn’t in my opinion.

That’s why when people meet me or deal with me for the first time, they can sometimes feel I can less than respectful about my spirituality. It’s not the case. I take it very seriously, and I have a great deal of respect for Brigid, in all of her forms.

Derence, though… well that’s a different story.

Deference

polite submission and respect

Dictionary.com again for the above. Deference for me is the show. It’s the bowing and scraping. It’s the “Oh Great One” aspect of worship. And don’t get me wrong, there’s times when deference is definitely required.

I mean, I don’t just go wandering up to the Dagda and smack him on the arse. (Whether he’d enjoy it or not is another story, but I wouldn’t do it – because y’know, deference…)

Deference is more manners and politeness in terms of dealing with deity. There are deities I don’t have a lot of respect for, but I show deference to them – because I don’t want to piss them off. I know – it’s a selfish way of doing it, but it’s important to me! As in, it’s an important safety feature.

Deference can mean using certain greetings, allowing them to speak first, only using formal prayers or meditations to communicate, being very careful around altars and worship formats…

Or it can mean submitting completely – not something I’d generally recommend at all, to anyone. To me that means you as a person are getting lost in the wider deity energy. Who wants that?

Respect vs deference

So, the key part of this to me is that respect is earned, deference is shown. I can show deference all day long, but it has very little relation to the respect I feel for someone. I mean, this is linked to the general Irish way anyway – you know how if we’re very polite and friendly, it means you’re not as close as you think you are to us? It’s when we start ripping the piss that you know you’ve been accepted…

It’s similar. For so long in this country, we were forced to show deference to people who had not earned any respect at all and in fact were actively working to oppress and denigrate our people. We learned different ways of showing respect. We separated out deference and respect in our actions and behaviours.

Being invited into the good room in an Irish house probably means you’re being shown deference. Being thrown into the middle of a chaotic family meal in the kitchen? Respect. Or acceptance at least.

Why is this important?

For me, it’s more important dealing with spiritual leaders, either self-proclaimed or otherwise, than with deity. With deity, throw a bit of deference in anyway, just to be on the safe side.

But someone who is claiming to be an expert and worthy of respect? Well, I’ve found the true people who are worthy of respect are given it. They don’t tend to demand it. The same with deities. The ones that get stuck in, do the work, don’t tend to be the glamorous ones. They don’t tend to be the ones with prescriptive requirements for worship. Oh, they can be exact in their requirements at times and if you volunteer a specific form of worship, they’ll hold you to it.

But I’ve never found Brigid or the Dagda in particular to be adverse to a joke. In mostly appropriate circumstances… The Morrigan has been known to crack a smile as well.

There are deities out there who demand deference. And there are times when even those named above will demand deference. Mostly though, they don’t, in my experience. But they kinda assume the respect is earned.

How do you deal with deference and respect with deity?

Spiritual coach: green flags, red flags

This is part three of an ongoing series to talk about spiritual coaches, why you might want to visit one and what to look out for. Today’s post is based on 2 simple lists. Green flags and red flags. Enjoy!

A picture of a green flag next to a red flag on a beach with houses in the background. But what are the green and red flags for a spiritual coach?

Green flags for a spiritual coach

  • A spiritual coach shows compassion and understanding
  • They guide, offer suggestions
  • They recognise when nudging is needed and when something more formidable is needed
  • They push
  • They are well read, or well educated
  • They say no to potential clients
  • They are aware of their own limitations
  • They remember stuff you tell them and are able to correct the dots between experiences and answers
  • They follow up sessions with emails, further information, etc
  • A spiritual coach looks for feedback
  • They recommend other professionals when necessary
  • They care, but separate themselves from your choices and actions

Red flags for a spiritual coach

Ok, so we could probably just say the opposite of the above, but here’s a list anyway

  • Pressure to act now – most spiritual coaches will offer an introductory conversation to make sure ye get on together. If not, and if there’s an “act now or never” type vibe – avoid.
  • A selection process – as if most people aren’t worth their time.
  • Blurred lines (even if they aren’t really) – are you required to sign up to the morals or standards of a whole community or group to work with this coach?
  • They’re “cruel to be kind” -seriously, this isn’t a spiritual coach. This is a bully.
  • No clear endpoint – now ok, you might not have a clear endpoint when you start the process, but if it keeps going on and on and on with no finish in sight – might be worth investigating
  • The coach is unwilling to share their experience and credentials
  • At the same time – leaning heavily on credentials and no experience
  • They blame you for… well… anything

Takeaways

Look, one or two red flags doesn’t mean don’t work with that person. I have sent out emails saying, “hey, I have a coaching spot free, book a free call next week to see if you want to work with me”. That could be deemed as pressure to act now.

It’s intended to highlight I have a spot open up and it’s free to the first comer so to speak.

But if you have someone who’s ticking none of the green flags and all of the red flags? Take a deep look at that person and whether you want to work with them.

In the meantime, if you are interested in exploring this further drop me an email at orlagh@mybrigidsforge.com

Good spiritual coach – what to look for

Last week, we talked about why you might seek a spiritual coach. This week, I want to work through the things to look for in a good spiritual coach. This article actually gave me a lot of food for thought on the topic and helped me crystalise my thinking.

They walk the walk

This is such a big deal. Authenticity is another word here. Do as I do, not as I say is another way of putting it. A good spiritual coach will back up words with deeds.

Essentially, are they living their life in a way that supports the way they speak to you. If they advocate a meditation practice, do they meditate? For people who support daily prayer, what’s their own prayer like?

If someone, looking at no one in particular here but possibly myself, asks you to give yourself a break, do they hold themselves to impossibly high standards or do they allow themselves to be human?

No one’s perfect, myself least of all. But if someone is actively engaged in practices that directly go against what they say for you to do – they are not a good spiritual coach.

A good spiritual advisor will usually be walking the walk. Picture shows a pair of legs in jeans with brown shoes walking along a very narrow path between wilted grass
Walking the walk doesn’t always include actual walking. Just FYI

For example, someone who extolls ethical living, but embraces shady business practices – not a good spiritual coach. Someone who maintains they are a “good Christian”, but practices hate against persons or groups – not a good spiritual coach. Toxic positivity? Not a good spiritual coach. Toxic negativity? Ditto.

A place of compassion

In my opinion, a good spiritual coach comes from a place of open mindedness and compassion. They understand that not everyone has the same life experiences, or understanding of how the world works.

This doesn’t mean accepting inappropriate or demeaning behaviour, mind. A coach, any coach, is responsible for keeping themselves safe first and foremost.

But just because someone has an outburst against, for example, Irish people in New York, doesn’t mean they’re a terrible person. Someone with questionable judgement, maybe, since the Irish are – naturally – perfect in every way (please read the sarcasm in that last sentence, ok???) But not a terrible person.

A good spiritual coach should be able to deal with people who come to them with different world views, but with the intent of being open to exploration. Or at least be aware of their own limitations.

For example, I would never go to someone who describes themselves as a Christian spiritual coach. Because they would not be able to support a path like mine, crossing over and back between Catholicism and paganism, as if the barrier didn’t exist at all.

Neither would I expect a committed Hindi to come to me for spiritual counselling, unless they were interested in exploring an Irish paganism path, or a path combining spiritual traditions.

But even if someone did come to me already on a path completely at odds with my own, I would treat them with compassion.

A good transparent spiritual coach

I feel like I’m pretty transparent with my views on things. I write and on my email list and in the Facebook group showing what I think on different political, spiritual and personal topics. Even in coaching, I feel I’m fairly clear on where my expertise begins and ends.

This is important. Because, ideally, you will be building a strong relationship with your spiritual coach. Or indeed, with any coach. You have to build trust, rapport, engagement. It’s not enough to show up once a week or once a month and talk for an hour. There needs to be an exchange of words in a deeper way than casual conversation.

If you are discussing your spiritual path with someone, then you need to know who you’re talking to. Daniel Hannah, in the Linkedin article I linked at the start of this post, speaks about the masks that some coaches wear. He also mentions a coach who is clear about where you are at and where they are at. So, for example, I will let people know if life is stressful outside of our coaching sessions – it’s usually to explain a possibly grumpy exterior or a wrinkle in my brow. Many of my clients are very perceptive, so hiding small details only leads to mistrust.

Be honest

By saying, “Hey, the day job is really shitty right now, it’s nothing to do with you and I’m dying to dive in here” it gives them the reassurance that they are not imagining things and that I’m really ok to talk to them, while not putting any pressure on them. Or, indeed, I have had some clients message saying they are feeling out of sorts, grumpy, stressed, whatever and want to rearrange a session. I accommodate these where I can. For the same reasons.

Possibly more important? Is when a coach is self-aware enough to refuse to work with someone. This doesn’t mean you are too much, too weird, too out there. It just means they don’t have the bandwidth, experience or knowledge to be comfortable working with you and give you the best possible outcomes.

A good spiritual coach might explore and guide, but you do the work

This can be critical in achieving a positive outcome from coaching. A good spiritual coach will almost certain explore with you and guide you. But equally – they will not do the work for you.

And they will be very clear about this.

I often describe myself as a torchbearer on Brigid’s Path. Or a guide. But all I can do is show you the way. I can’t do the work for you. Particularly not with spiritual work. Whether it’s inner work, shadow work, exploration of a new path, development of a shallow path, whatever…

The work is for you to do. A coach can be a complete waste of resources if you are not willing to step up and do the work. And frankly, most good coaches, spiritual or otherwise, will challenge you if they notice this pattern with you.

Sometimes if can be a sign you’re not on the right path. Otherwise it can be a pattern of behaviour where you’re subconsciously trying to avoid something. (Or indeed, consciously trying to avoid something) But the work is yours to do. Not the coach’s.

Next week

For the next post, I’ll be looking at red and green flags to look for in a spiritual coach. For now, if you have any questions or want to pursue working with me in this or another context, drop me an email at orlagh@mybrigidsforge.com

Why seek a spiritual coach?

Yes, this is a lead on from the High Control Religion series I’ve been doing over the past few weeks. But there is a strong link in the need for a spiritual coach and those of us who escaped, left or otherwise quit a high control religious environment.

The reasons one might seek such a coach are, of course, a bit broader than that, but over the coming weeks, I want to investigate why people look for spiritual coaches, what to look for and some red and green flags to keep an eye out for.

What is a spiritual coach?

I’ve seen a few explanations online for this sort of coach so here’s a few of them. (And yes, the below are all copied from the first page of links Google threw at me when I asked “what is a spiritual coach?”)

  • A spiritual coach (SC) works with clients to better understand themselves and their places in the world.
  • Within a safe environment to explore beliefs and experiences, a SC encourages clients to tap into their inner wisdom and intuition
  • A SC helps people to connect to their desires, identify obstacles and take actionable steps toward their goals.
  • A SC is someone who runs their own coaching business and helps people improve their spiritual lives and develop themselves in various ways.
  • Spiritual life coaching is a type of coaching that focuses on helping individuals connect with their spiritual foundation and purpose
  • A SC, also called spiritual life coach, helps people discover who they are by supporting their self-discovery journeys.
  • Spiritual coaching is a holistic approach to personal growth that focuses on connecting clients with their inner selves.

Even the most specific of those are still a bit woolly, right? Or is it just me?

A picture of a human figure, standing on a black/ shadowed ground, with the stars outlined above them, with colours from oranges, pinks, greens and blues as the background. First picture I found when looking for "spiritual coach"

See, I know what I mean when I describe myself this way.

I mean, I work with predominantly women, mostly 40+ in age, mostly with kids that are getting towards independence, mostly who have the time to think properly about things now and are noticing all the shit they didn’t notice when they were younger and were focusing on survival.

I so sometimes help people a bit earlier in the process, those who are trying to recover from a high control religious environment, but I’m not a therapist. Not a psychiatrist. Not a psychologies.

So, I do my bet to guide people towards the professional help they need if they need that.

So what does that mean?

Mostly, I find coaching is asking the right questions. People generally have the answers themselves. This is especially true when I work as spiritual coach.

Why do people look for one?

There are a number of reasons.

Now, first off, there are loads of extra stresses and strains in modern life, as well as an increased awareness (well in certain parts of the world anyway) of science and nature, that lead people to discount the Divine in the world. At the same time, those stresses and strains can cause us to focus ever more on the material or mundane aspects of life.

It’s hard to think about Divinity, religion and spirituality if you’re struggling to get enough food to eat or don’t have secure housing, after all.

That’s also part of the reason I tend to get women who have children approaching independence. It’s hard to think of the divine when you’re up to your eye balls in dirty nappies. I don’t care what anyone says – there are practicalities in life.

It’s also why I think most cults, religious movements, religions are founded by men… Historically, when would women find the time? (And yes, I know – there have been some founded by women, but look at the percentages ok?)

What can a spiritual coach help with?

There are a few things. But it’s important to remember that who you choose is as important as what you choose here.

A coach can help you clarify where you’re struggling. I mean, seriously, this is true of all coaches, but spiritual coaches as well. Half the time clients come to me with one very clear problem – and as we talk, it’s nothing to do with that at all, but something out of left field altogether.

Getting clear on what is at the root of your struggle, or concerns, or unease is vital.

And then, you can start to figure out the path forwards from there. But when you don’t even know where you’re starting from, it’s even more difficult to find your way.

Usually, spiritual issues come up with that deeper sense of meaning most of us search for in life. Look, you’re reading a blog devoted to an Irish deity and saint, plus some related topics that have been part of my own spiritual journey. You probably have some interest in this topic.

If you don’t – kinda questioning why you’re reading to be honest?

My deeper meaning? Helping women navigate a spiritual path that works for them. And spreading clear, authentic, based-in-lore information about said Irish deity and saint. Brigid, in case you hadn’t realised. And no doubt, this will continue to evolve as I grow and evolve. And yes, I had some strong coaches around me to help me get where i am today. Although, several of them probably wouldn’t identify as such.

Next steps

If any of this resonates with you or you want to chat further, send me an email and we can discuss. (orlagh@mybrigidsforge.com) Now, it’s possible you don’t need a spiritual coach. That’s absolutely fine. Many people work through life never needing one.

But if you do – well, next week, we’ll look at how to identify one…

High Control Religions – Escape

This is part 3 of my ongoing series on high control religions. Parts 1 and 2 are linked.

Today, I want to talk about the difficulties in escaping a high control religion. Now, content warning: the means of control in high control religions are very, very similar to those in domestic abuse situations. Abuse is abuse after all. So if this isn’t the right time for you, maybe skip the post for today!

Knowing you need to escape

Very often in high control religions, someone who is different, or thinking, or questioning, is also feeling that they are wrong. Their sense of self has been systematically undermined, until they are totally reliant one and compliant to their abuser. They have been cut off from alternative ideas, influences, information… so their behaviour, thoughts and emotional responses are controlled in this high control structure.

And, since they are not allowed to question, it can be really, really difficult not to blame themselves. After all, everyone else around them is giving every sign of compliance and happiness. Any attempt at confiding to another person is a risk. They’re the odd one out. They’re the problem.

They just need to try harder.

All rubbish, of course. But that’s the way a high control religion wants you to think. This isn’t about making you feel good about yourself. This is about subservience and obedience.

This can come in the form of suggesting inner work, prayer, shadow work, contemplation, solitude, isolation… all designed to manipulate the person further. It’s another way high control religions maintain,well, control.

An image of a scissors and a puppeteers cross with a hand holding it - image sliced in two to indicate split perspective. High control religions!
Yes, re-using last time’s image…

Issues with escaping a high control religion

I’m going to focus on a few practical issues here rather than looking at the full gamut of problems. So here we go!

Community

As part of a high control religion, the people who have seen, spoken with, socialised with, lived with over the last while are probably all members of the religion you’re trying to escape.

Yeah, that sentence was a mouthful, sorry.

But it’s no less true. High control religions have a tendency to strongly discourage, if not outright forbid, having relationships with those who are not part of the group. That means any support is probably going to come from strangers. And since you’ve spent the last while in a high control environment, where you can’t trust anyone… well trust is going to be an issue as well.

Everyone you knew is tied up with the previous high control organisation. And you’re starting from scratch…

Except, you’re not even starting from scratch. You’re starting from before scratch. Because you have work to do to even get to scratch. This is less than easy.

Now, of course, in the modern world, if you can maintain a private internet connection, you can build friendships online before you leave. But that “if” is carrying a lot of weight. Many high control religions don’t allow such an unsupervised information route…

So, by leaving, you can be left, alone, isolated in a world you don’t understand and are struggling to navigate. Very often, high control religions let one or two people back in, just to highlight the difficulties in the outside world…

Money

Here’s the next one. And it’s a tough one.

Very often in high control religions, either money is controlled, so that it’s difficult to build up an escape fund, or you are encouraged or forced into low-paying jobs, with the same effect.

Either way, you are likely looking at setting up a new life without any financial cushion. At all.

Now look, there is help out there, but think about it.

  • Clothes
  • Housing
  • Transport
  • Internet access
  • Food
  • Heating/ cooling
  • Access to services

How do you access any of this without money?

Even identification is needed for most social welfare programs, so how do you get an ID?

Every little bit of money you have can make things easier, but getting back on your feet is incredibly difficult at the best of times. So, be prepared.

changing world

Depending on how long you spent in the high control religion, the world might have changed significantly. Certainly the community norms that you were used to are not the same outside the organisation.

Obedience is rarely rated in the outside world to the same extent as in these organisations. Critical thinking is a valued skill in the wider world. Dreaming is nearly essential. Self reliance is usually considered a positive trait – as long as it’s not too much.

Language changes. Even the language of emojis is catching up with most of us these days. But if you were isolated for the last 5 years? Well, how the hell do you figure out what 🐶🏠 means??? Or 🙅🍵? (Doghouse, or you’re in said doghouse, followed by not my cup of tea) Acronyms, loanwords, new slang – all can make you feel like you’re an alien from another planet.

And in some ways? You are!

The world is changing at an ever increasing pace. So, even a few short years away from wider society can lead to disorientation at best and complete loss at worst. Getting someone to help you navigate this makes things easier, but that too is difficult.

Is it worth it?

It would definitely be worth it for me. I don’t like being controlled at all. Hell, I barely agree with half the unofficial rules for work…

So, you can imagine that I would prefer almost any hardship before submitting to a high control environment, never mind a high control religion. The thought of having anyone control my thoughts, my access to information, my access to books???

Horrific.

But there is a comfort in staying in a familiar environment. After all, most religious orders are high control environments, with access to the outside world, outside information is highly limited. The difference for me would be that most entries to a religious order would be with full knowledge, a trial period, a novitiate or similar, to try out a lesser level of control and to assess the entrants suitability for the life.

So, it’s not like all high control religious organisations should be wiped from the planet. And for most Roman Catholic orders, there is a documented process for leaving the organisation as well.

Not the case in the most cult-like organisations. Leaving is akin to consigning yourself to hell, in many cases. Or at least, that’s the message the members receive.

Comfort in the familiar. And I realise that some people prefer others to do their thinking for them. I get that. Life can appear simpler and easier with all these decisions being made for you.

Sure.

Wouldn’t be worth it for me though!