Category: Spirituality

Brigid’s Path: Know yourself!

The first step on Brigid’s Path is “Know Yourself”. People often as why? Well, we’re going to explore this in this post. And for those of you wondering if you’ve seen me writing on this before? Well yes, yes you have!

But first, I want to take you to last Friday night. I had a work night out and I really just wasn’t feeling it. I have been having fun in recent years with my make up. I’ve been experimenting with different eye shadows, different lip colours, just generally having fun. And it’s become part of my enjoyment of a night out.

But last Friday? Nope. Just… wasn’t….

And it took me a while to figure out why.

Picture of me, not being 100% happy with how I looked, but struggling with knowing myself enough to figure out why!
Yes this is me with the finished look from Friday night

What was going on?

Well, I didn’t like my foundation. You know when I figured this out? On the car drive home the following morning. Knowing yourself doesn’t always come with instant recognition.

But, I did figure it out and I knew something was wrong.

What didn’t I like? It was too watery. It felt like it was sitting on top of my skin rather than blending in. And – wonder of wonders for a 90’s woman – it was too pale…

(My former Goth-adjacent self is shuddering at that last sentence!)

But it’s all true. It just took me a while to figure out what was going on. I thought I was getting tired of my Il Makiage Woke Up Like This foundation – I hadn’t. I just needed to get a new bottle of it cos I’ve had that one for… (checks emails for last order)… more than 2 years. And even by my standards, that’s a while for a foundation to last. But a) I don’t wear make up that much and b) I kinda forget when I buy things, so I forget they need replacing before I use them all up!

If I didn’t know this about myself, I’d still be worrying about what was bothering me about that look. (And payday’s Thursday, my Il Makiage basket is ready for checkout!!)

Knowing myself in a broader sense

Now ok, ye don’t usually come to this blog for make-up tips. Or if you do, you’re going to be severely disappointed!!

When Brigid came to me first with the idea I had to get to know myself, I honestly didn’t know what she meant. Seriously. It didn’t make sense to be at all. Sure I had been living with myself for decades, my whole life even. How could I not know myself?

Well, I have an amazing skill in not knowing myself. For all sorts of reasons, I had turned not knowing myself into an art form. And a lot of us who grew up in the 80’s and 90’s are the same. Those “journeys of self-discovery” we saw coming from the States weren’t just pompous, entitled bullshit. They were damned necessary in many cases. (Albeit privileged in many ways!) Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love is the one that comes to mind. I’d love to be able to take that year long break that she did and head off to Italy, India and Bali (or, more likely in my case, places with lower temperatures and less spicy food…) For most of us, that option just isn’t available.

But you know what is available?

Tools and techniques

Yes. Now, in the Brigid’s Path Collective. we go through 4-6 weeks of this. So, there is a lot we cover and discuss and engage with. There are journaling questions, meditations, discussions… Lots goes on. But here’s a few things you can do yourself.

Google various quizzes. Here are a few of my favourite free or low(ish) cost quizzes:

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/personality-quiz#1

https://www.truity.com/test/big-five-personality-test

https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/testcenter

https://www.discprofile.com/what-is-disc#:~:text=DiSC%20is%20an%20acronym%20that,on%20accomplishing%20bottom%2Dline%20results.

https://5voices.com

I’m not getting any income from these, they’re just personality quizzes I have found useful in my quest to understand myself better.

There are also a mountain of books I have found useful – this surprises no one, right? Ye know by now that my preferred means of absorbing information is a lovely comfy reading session.

The important thing is, you’re collecting information about yourself.

What to do with that information though?

Well, there are another 5 steps in the path, so don’t panic too much yet. But essentially, to understand what you need to progress down any path, you need to know where you are and what you need to survive.

For me, this involves my basic pillars of survival and thrival: food, water, movement, fresh air, sleep. If I get all of these in adequate quantities daily, life is good. And yes, this is all part of the information I had to figure out for myself. Seriously – the food part was so hard. If I can prevent even one more person in this world going down the eating disorder route… it’s not worth it, folks, and we all know better now, so let’s help the younger generations, yeah?

But why the first step?

For any journey to begin, you need to know where you are. That means acknowledging who you are, what you know and don’t know, what you want to learn, what you don’t want to know buy probably need to know anyway…

It means uncovering those shadowed areas of yourself and your soul. Looking in the mirror and determining if you like what you see, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

It means engaging with the times in your life you feel embarrassed and ashamed about. Examining your conscious about certain ongoing activities and see how you feel about it.

You don’t have to change anything just yet. But you do have to know how you feel about yourself. Your actions. Your behaviour.

No one said this would be easy

And it doesn’t always have to be difficult, either. There is plenty of both kinds of work involved in this journey.

But this is where you start.

Who are you?

What are you?

Where are you?

How did you get here?

What are the defining moments of your life to date?

What are the forces that shaped you?

What are you proud of? Not proud of?

Start asking yourself these questions. Spend some time with you and get to know yourself like you would a new friend. It’s worth it.

Brigid and war (2)

I have written on Brigid and War before and Brigid as Warrior before. But I want to revisit the topic. Because the world is becoming a scarier place right now. For almost all of us. The cost of food is rising. Alliances thought unshakeable are, indeed shaking. The dollar is looking increasingly volatile – disturbing for the currency usually considered the world’s safe haven currency.

What has this got to do with war?

Traditionally, war is seen as a great way to implement drastic changes to society in the name of the National Interest. And many times, these changes are not in the best interests of the people at all. So, let’s take a look at the world today, in the context of Brigid and war and see where we end up.

Global conflicts

I’ve used Wikipedia for this. I’ll let you read the numbers for yourself. But a lot of these wars have been ongoing for more than 75 years. Well ok, a lot is subjective, but even 1 is too many. And ok, Brigid probably isn’t involved in too many of them.

Surprising no one, I bet, Ukraine is topping the charts for the most deaths in the last 2 years, with Palestine coming second.

Mural of Brigid in Drogheda, showing saint and deity. While the saint is obviously connected with war, the deity... is.

I want you to note here, I’m not commenting on the rights and wrong of any of these wars. If you want to read my thoughts on conflict in various nations, search the blog for that country’s name.

But looking across the world, there is a theme in the nations embroiled in conflict.

A map of the world showing the countries engaged in armed conflict right now. The darker the colour, the grater the number of deaths. From the wiki article.
Map of conflicts across the globe. The darker the colour the more deaths involved.

Most if not all of them are former colonies. Of someone. Mostly European powers. Brigid’s views on war might not be 100% clear, but her views on colonisation have been made pretty clear to me anyway.

It’s a bad thing. Fighting against an oppressor is almost a requirement for survival. Oppression, genocide, eradication of a country’s traditions, culture and history, are all side effects of colonisation. Brigid has been here with Ireland over the last millennia. When we fought, and still fight, to keep our culture and traditions alive.

Brigid and the types of war

While global conflicts are top of the list when looking at war, Brigid is also engaged with culture wars.

And in fact, one might say that with her standing as poet, culture wars might be even more in her remit than physical war. Right now, there is a general European and America swing to the right. It’s a bad move in my opinion, but hey ho, I don’t control the world. But look at what Brigid stands for. Brig Ambue in particular looks after those who need it in the world. In the War on Poverty, Brigid is in the front lines.

In the War on Child Abuse, Brigid is in the front lines.

War on Drugs? Maybe, maybe not. But the effects of illegal drugs in impoverished communities? Hell, yes.

War for the souls of our nations? Yes. I see her there, in the front lines again.

You see, propaganda from all sides seeks to override our critical thinking skills. All the time. And in all her professions, critical thinking is vital for Brigid. As it is for us as well.

What type of world do you want to live in?

One where the strong take from the weak?

Or where society looks after the less-well-off, the weak, the ill…

One where only productivity is valued?

Or one where art, music, language can flourish along with work that makes the big money?

One where the wealth gap not only rivals but surpasses that of Medieval Europe?

Or one where all people can live lives secure in the knowledge they will have food, shelter, water, comfort…

Which side of this war do you think Brigid is on?

What’s next?

Well, the US situation is, I hope, a wake up call for all of us. Here in Ireland, some fuckwits are suggesting Conor McGregor for our next President. Thankfully, the systems that lead to nomination as president should prevent him from even being on the ballot. I hope. But it’s a sign this disease is reaching our shores as well.

And hell, yes, I will be calling in Brigid to help us in this war. We’re only in the beginning stages, whereas others are in the depths. But that doesn’t mean we can’t fight.

Brigid isn’t going to do the work for us. We have to do that ourselves. But we can ask for her help, her support, her energy.

She won’t fight our wars for us. We must do that.

But it’s time to stop ignoring the signs of this disease and division in all our nations. And start the work to heal.

For those who are US based, you can join our Hope and Healing Hub here. $25 a month and each fully paid sign up funds a scholarship as well.

If you are elsewhere in the world and would like a similar group for your area, or you are interested in the scholarship option for the current hub, drop me an email on orlagh@mybrigidsforge.com

Spiritual leadership

I’ve been writing about high control religions for a while. And I have significant problems with most institutions of organised religion. But today I want to talk about spiritual leadership. I’m not necessarily talking about pagan priesthood here, although if you are interested in that topic, you could do a lot worse than reading Lora O’Brien’s book of the same name.

But I don’t want to think about the priesthood part today. Today, I want to talk about the leadership part.

The front cover of Lora O'Brien's book, A practical guide to pagan priesthood. It covers spiritual leadership as part of the contents.
It’s a great book!

What is spiritual leadership?

Much of what I found online with regard to spiritual leadership was in relation to Protestant communities in the US. And they’re not always the most… balanced of descriptions. However. They do tend to mention things like: service, hope, faith, influence, altruism, love…

Honestly, looking at the people who claim to espouse these things and the way they appear to act… I question their fidelity to these ideas. There is a lot of talk about “love the sinner, hate the sin” but that sort of leadership tends to condemn people rather than support them!

For me, spiritual leadership is far more about presenting options and walking the walk. In fact, if I had to choose between the two, walking the walk would be most important. Leading by example, showing how to live in line with spiritual beliefs, indeed – even showing how to develop those spiritual beliefs… These to me are the important aspects of spiritual leadership.

Authenticity

We hear a lot about being authentic in the modern world. And this is important in the context of spiritual leadership. But what do we mean when we say “authentic”?

Am I being authentic if I modify my behaviour according to where I am and who I’m with?

Am I being authentic if I change the words I use, based on the situation?

What about clothes and personal presentation?

I would argue all of the above are authentic. I don’t wear the same clothes to work as I do lounging about at home. That doesn’t make me less authentic. The fact that most of the time, any spiritual work I do is done in casual clothing, doesn’t make the times I dress up for the occasion any less authentic.

In the same way, you’d hardly wear the same clothes to a wedding as you would cleaning the toilets…

It’s horses for courses. But all of my clothes these days are authentically me. That is – comfy, soft, loose, requiring no tight or binding underwear. And probably flat shoes or possible very low heels.

My days of wasting energy pretending to be someone I’m not are long over. And it’s the same in my spiritual life.

Yes, there are occasions when I make a bigger deal over something. Imbolc for example, I don’t just treat like another day. Sometimes I’ll dress up in nice clothes, sometimes I’ll do a formal ritual, sometimes I’ll cook a special meal. But there are also years when any Imbolc ritual I perform is performed in my jammies, half asleep, just struggling to get through the day.

To my mind, showing both types of ritual is an important part of authentic spiritual leadership.

Community

Now, most if not all spiritual leaders are involved in community at some level. Those who know me will know my community is mostly online. That doesn’t mean it is any less a community than one that can meet regularly face to face.

I firmly believe we all need community of some sort. And in particular with the way politics is going in the United States right now – it’s a scary time. So community is more important than ever. The so-called spiritual leaders I’m seeing coming to the fore in the US right now? Are the kind I myself would run a mile from.

But I do know several people over there that are trying to build community. The idea of Brig Briciu, the hosteller, is coming to the fore again, big time. (I have a whole 5 week course on the Brigs in Ulster, if you want to dive in more) But the hosteller in particular, I feel, is relevant here.

Hostels in ancient Ireland were places of rest. It was a position of seniority and recognition of wealth in the community. One of the main responsibilities? Keeping the occupants of their hostel safe. And to do that, you had to have some key leadership qualities.

And, yes, some key spiritual leadership qualities. This comes back to practical spirituality. This was in service to the community. And more and more I see the need in the US and in other places around the world, for spaces of safety. For spaces where people can relax and be themselves. They don’t have to hide or pretend to be someone or something they’re not.

Imagine the fight that’s already starting – the US is in the news, but it’s coming in Europe, Asia, the rest of the Americas, Oceania, Africa… (Not sure about Antartica yet, but maybe the penguins have some work to do?)

There are spiritual forces arising in the world. And providing a space for people to be safe, for communities to come together, is going to be more and more important in the times to come.

Who can be a spiritual leader?

Well anyone.

Can you show the way?

Can you offer people a safe space to gather in community?

Do you have the ability to listen? And more, to hear?

Have you the ability to be yourself?

It doesn’t matter where you are in the world. I’d like to hope that Ireland might escape the swing to the right we’re seeing all over the world, but I also know that a man found civilly liable for rape is thinking about running for president and people are supporting him. Not too many, not yet, but people think he’s a worthwhile example of Irishness…

So, no one’s safe really. But we can lean on each other. We can engage in the spiritual leadership we see missing around us. We can offer what we can.

The fight isn’t only held on the front lines, people.

Respect vs deference

People often get confused between respect and deference, in my opinion. Particularly when it comes to deity and spirituality. So I want to explore this in more detail today. Now, I have written before and mentioned respect, but I want to explore these concepts in more details today.

Respect

Many people feel that respect is demanded. I don’t. I feel respect is earned. For dear old Dictionary.com:

a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

An image of Cartman from South Park with his iconic "respect my authority" face. Very often, people mistake deference and respect.... and it's mostly due to a misunderstanding of what each means...
Yes, I know, I’m dating myself!

I tend to develop respect for people and things. Yeah, I’m hedging my bets with deities, because I don’t like pigeon-holing them. Seriously.

But even in spiritual work, we tend to think that because everyone thinks someone is amazing and wonderful, we should think so too… Respect doesn’t work that way. Deference can, but respect doesn’t.

People show they are worthy of respect by their actions. By their words. By how they conduct themselves and the effort they put into walking the walk.

Talking the talk earns you nothing. Well, it doesn’t in my opinion.

That’s why when people meet me or deal with me for the first time, they can sometimes feel I can less than respectful about my spirituality. It’s not the case. I take it very seriously, and I have a great deal of respect for Brigid, in all of her forms.

Derence, though… well that’s a different story.

Deference

polite submission and respect

Dictionary.com again for the above. Deference for me is the show. It’s the bowing and scraping. It’s the “Oh Great One” aspect of worship. And don’t get me wrong, there’s times when deference is definitely required.

I mean, I don’t just go wandering up to the Dagda and smack him on the arse. (Whether he’d enjoy it or not is another story, but I wouldn’t do it – because y’know, deference…)

Deference is more manners and politeness in terms of dealing with deity. There are deities I don’t have a lot of respect for, but I show deference to them – because I don’t want to piss them off. I know – it’s a selfish way of doing it, but it’s important to me! As in, it’s an important safety feature.

Deference can mean using certain greetings, allowing them to speak first, only using formal prayers or meditations to communicate, being very careful around altars and worship formats…

Or it can mean submitting completely – not something I’d generally recommend at all, to anyone. To me that means you as a person are getting lost in the wider deity energy. Who wants that?

Respect vs deference

So, the key part of this to me is that respect is earned, deference is shown. I can show deference all day long, but it has very little relation to the respect I feel for someone. I mean, this is linked to the general Irish way anyway – you know how if we’re very polite and friendly, it means you’re not as close as you think you are to us? It’s when we start ripping the piss that you know you’ve been accepted…

It’s similar. For so long in this country, we were forced to show deference to people who had not earned any respect at all and in fact were actively working to oppress and denigrate our people. We learned different ways of showing respect. We separated out deference and respect in our actions and behaviours.

Being invited into the good room in an Irish house probably means you’re being shown deference. Being thrown into the middle of a chaotic family meal in the kitchen? Respect. Or acceptance at least.

Why is this important?

For me, it’s more important dealing with spiritual leaders, either self-proclaimed or otherwise, than with deity. With deity, throw a bit of deference in anyway, just to be on the safe side.

But someone who is claiming to be an expert and worthy of respect? Well, I’ve found the true people who are worthy of respect are given it. They don’t tend to demand it. The same with deities. The ones that get stuck in, do the work, don’t tend to be the glamorous ones. They don’t tend to be the ones with prescriptive requirements for worship. Oh, they can be exact in their requirements at times and if you volunteer a specific form of worship, they’ll hold you to it.

But I’ve never found Brigid or the Dagda in particular to be adverse to a joke. In mostly appropriate circumstances… The Morrigan has been known to crack a smile as well.

There are deities out there who demand deference. And there are times when even those named above will demand deference. Mostly though, they don’t, in my experience. But they kinda assume the respect is earned.

How do you deal with deference and respect with deity?

Spiritual coach: green flags, red flags

This is part three of an ongoing series to talk about spiritual coaches, why you might want to visit one and what to look out for. Today’s post is based on 2 simple lists. Green flags and red flags. Enjoy!

A picture of a green flag next to a red flag on a beach with houses in the background. But what are the green and red flags for a spiritual coach?

Green flags for a spiritual coach

  • A spiritual coach shows compassion and understanding
  • They guide, offer suggestions
  • They recognise when nudging is needed and when something more formidable is needed
  • They push
  • They are well read, or well educated
  • They say no to potential clients
  • They are aware of their own limitations
  • They remember stuff you tell them and are able to correct the dots between experiences and answers
  • They follow up sessions with emails, further information, etc
  • A spiritual coach looks for feedback
  • They recommend other professionals when necessary
  • They care, but separate themselves from your choices and actions

Red flags for a spiritual coach

Ok, so we could probably just say the opposite of the above, but here’s a list anyway

  • Pressure to act now – most spiritual coaches will offer an introductory conversation to make sure ye get on together. If not, and if there’s an “act now or never” type vibe – avoid.
  • A selection process – as if most people aren’t worth their time.
  • Blurred lines (even if they aren’t really) – are you required to sign up to the morals or standards of a whole community or group to work with this coach?
  • They’re “cruel to be kind” -seriously, this isn’t a spiritual coach. This is a bully.
  • No clear endpoint – now ok, you might not have a clear endpoint when you start the process, but if it keeps going on and on and on with no finish in sight – might be worth investigating
  • The coach is unwilling to share their experience and credentials
  • At the same time – leaning heavily on credentials and no experience
  • They blame you for… well… anything

Takeaways

Look, one or two red flags doesn’t mean don’t work with that person. I have sent out emails saying, “hey, I have a coaching spot free, book a free call next week to see if you want to work with me”. That could be deemed as pressure to act now.

It’s intended to highlight I have a spot open up and it’s free to the first comer so to speak.

But if you have someone who’s ticking none of the green flags and all of the red flags? Take a deep look at that person and whether you want to work with them.

In the meantime, if you are interested in exploring this further drop me an email at orlagh@mybrigidsforge.com

Good spiritual coach – what to look for

Last week, we talked about why you might seek a spiritual coach. This week, I want to work through the things to look for in a good spiritual coach. This article actually gave me a lot of food for thought on the topic and helped me crystalise my thinking.

They walk the walk

This is such a big deal. Authenticity is another word here. Do as I do, not as I say is another way of putting it. A good spiritual coach will back up words with deeds.

Essentially, are they living their life in a way that supports the way they speak to you. If they advocate a meditation practice, do they meditate? For people who support daily prayer, what’s their own prayer like?

If someone, looking at no one in particular here but possibly myself, asks you to give yourself a break, do they hold themselves to impossibly high standards or do they allow themselves to be human?

No one’s perfect, myself least of all. But if someone is actively engaged in practices that directly go against what they say for you to do – they are not a good spiritual coach.

A good spiritual advisor will usually be walking the walk. Picture shows a pair of legs in jeans with brown shoes walking along a very narrow path between wilted grass
Walking the walk doesn’t always include actual walking. Just FYI

For example, someone who extolls ethical living, but embraces shady business practices – not a good spiritual coach. Someone who maintains they are a “good Christian”, but practices hate against persons or groups – not a good spiritual coach. Toxic positivity? Not a good spiritual coach. Toxic negativity? Ditto.

A place of compassion

In my opinion, a good spiritual coach comes from a place of open mindedness and compassion. They understand that not everyone has the same life experiences, or understanding of how the world works.

This doesn’t mean accepting inappropriate or demeaning behaviour, mind. A coach, any coach, is responsible for keeping themselves safe first and foremost.

But just because someone has an outburst against, for example, Irish people in New York, doesn’t mean they’re a terrible person. Someone with questionable judgement, maybe, since the Irish are – naturally – perfect in every way (please read the sarcasm in that last sentence, ok???) But not a terrible person.

A good spiritual coach should be able to deal with people who come to them with different world views, but with the intent of being open to exploration. Or at least be aware of their own limitations.

For example, I would never go to someone who describes themselves as a Christian spiritual coach. Because they would not be able to support a path like mine, crossing over and back between Catholicism and paganism, as if the barrier didn’t exist at all.

Neither would I expect a committed Hindi to come to me for spiritual counselling, unless they were interested in exploring an Irish paganism path, or a path combining spiritual traditions.

But even if someone did come to me already on a path completely at odds with my own, I would treat them with compassion.

A good transparent spiritual coach

I feel like I’m pretty transparent with my views on things. I write and on my email list and in the Facebook group showing what I think on different political, spiritual and personal topics. Even in coaching, I feel I’m fairly clear on where my expertise begins and ends.

This is important. Because, ideally, you will be building a strong relationship with your spiritual coach. Or indeed, with any coach. You have to build trust, rapport, engagement. It’s not enough to show up once a week or once a month and talk for an hour. There needs to be an exchange of words in a deeper way than casual conversation.

If you are discussing your spiritual path with someone, then you need to know who you’re talking to. Daniel Hannah, in the Linkedin article I linked at the start of this post, speaks about the masks that some coaches wear. He also mentions a coach who is clear about where you are at and where they are at. So, for example, I will let people know if life is stressful outside of our coaching sessions – it’s usually to explain a possibly grumpy exterior or a wrinkle in my brow. Many of my clients are very perceptive, so hiding small details only leads to mistrust.

Be honest

By saying, “Hey, the day job is really shitty right now, it’s nothing to do with you and I’m dying to dive in here” it gives them the reassurance that they are not imagining things and that I’m really ok to talk to them, while not putting any pressure on them. Or, indeed, I have had some clients message saying they are feeling out of sorts, grumpy, stressed, whatever and want to rearrange a session. I accommodate these where I can. For the same reasons.

Possibly more important? Is when a coach is self-aware enough to refuse to work with someone. This doesn’t mean you are too much, too weird, too out there. It just means they don’t have the bandwidth, experience or knowledge to be comfortable working with you and give you the best possible outcomes.

A good spiritual coach might explore and guide, but you do the work

This can be critical in achieving a positive outcome from coaching. A good spiritual coach will almost certain explore with you and guide you. But equally – they will not do the work for you.

And they will be very clear about this.

I often describe myself as a torchbearer on Brigid’s Path. Or a guide. But all I can do is show you the way. I can’t do the work for you. Particularly not with spiritual work. Whether it’s inner work, shadow work, exploration of a new path, development of a shallow path, whatever…

The work is for you to do. A coach can be a complete waste of resources if you are not willing to step up and do the work. And frankly, most good coaches, spiritual or otherwise, will challenge you if they notice this pattern with you.

Sometimes if can be a sign you’re not on the right path. Otherwise it can be a pattern of behaviour where you’re subconsciously trying to avoid something. (Or indeed, consciously trying to avoid something) But the work is yours to do. Not the coach’s.

Next week

For the next post, I’ll be looking at red and green flags to look for in a spiritual coach. For now, if you have any questions or want to pursue working with me in this or another context, drop me an email at orlagh@mybrigidsforge.com

Why seek a spiritual coach?

Yes, this is a lead on from the High Control Religion series I’ve been doing over the past few weeks. But there is a strong link in the need for a spiritual coach and those of us who escaped, left or otherwise quit a high control religious environment.

The reasons one might seek such a coach are, of course, a bit broader than that, but over the coming weeks, I want to investigate why people look for spiritual coaches, what to look for and some red and green flags to keep an eye out for.

What is a spiritual coach?

I’ve seen a few explanations online for this sort of coach so here’s a few of them. (And yes, the below are all copied from the first page of links Google threw at me when I asked “what is a spiritual coach?”)

  • A spiritual coach (SC) works with clients to better understand themselves and their places in the world.
  • Within a safe environment to explore beliefs and experiences, a SC encourages clients to tap into their inner wisdom and intuition
  • A SC helps people to connect to their desires, identify obstacles and take actionable steps toward their goals.
  • A SC is someone who runs their own coaching business and helps people improve their spiritual lives and develop themselves in various ways.
  • Spiritual life coaching is a type of coaching that focuses on helping individuals connect with their spiritual foundation and purpose
  • A SC, also called spiritual life coach, helps people discover who they are by supporting their self-discovery journeys.
  • Spiritual coaching is a holistic approach to personal growth that focuses on connecting clients with their inner selves.

Even the most specific of those are still a bit woolly, right? Or is it just me?

A picture of a human figure, standing on a black/ shadowed ground, with the stars outlined above them, with colours from oranges, pinks, greens and blues as the background. First picture I found when looking for "spiritual coach"

See, I know what I mean when I describe myself this way.

I mean, I work with predominantly women, mostly 40+ in age, mostly with kids that are getting towards independence, mostly who have the time to think properly about things now and are noticing all the shit they didn’t notice when they were younger and were focusing on survival.

I so sometimes help people a bit earlier in the process, those who are trying to recover from a high control religious environment, but I’m not a therapist. Not a psychiatrist. Not a psychologies.

So, I do my bet to guide people towards the professional help they need if they need that.

So what does that mean?

Mostly, I find coaching is asking the right questions. People generally have the answers themselves. This is especially true when I work as spiritual coach.

Why do people look for one?

There are a number of reasons.

Now, first off, there are loads of extra stresses and strains in modern life, as well as an increased awareness (well in certain parts of the world anyway) of science and nature, that lead people to discount the Divine in the world. At the same time, those stresses and strains can cause us to focus ever more on the material or mundane aspects of life.

It’s hard to think about Divinity, religion and spirituality if you’re struggling to get enough food to eat or don’t have secure housing, after all.

That’s also part of the reason I tend to get women who have children approaching independence. It’s hard to think of the divine when you’re up to your eye balls in dirty nappies. I don’t care what anyone says – there are practicalities in life.

It’s also why I think most cults, religious movements, religions are founded by men… Historically, when would women find the time? (And yes, I know – there have been some founded by women, but look at the percentages ok?)

What can a spiritual coach help with?

There are a few things. But it’s important to remember that who you choose is as important as what you choose here.

A coach can help you clarify where you’re struggling. I mean, seriously, this is true of all coaches, but spiritual coaches as well. Half the time clients come to me with one very clear problem – and as we talk, it’s nothing to do with that at all, but something out of left field altogether.

Getting clear on what is at the root of your struggle, or concerns, or unease is vital.

And then, you can start to figure out the path forwards from there. But when you don’t even know where you’re starting from, it’s even more difficult to find your way.

Usually, spiritual issues come up with that deeper sense of meaning most of us search for in life. Look, you’re reading a blog devoted to an Irish deity and saint, plus some related topics that have been part of my own spiritual journey. You probably have some interest in this topic.

If you don’t – kinda questioning why you’re reading to be honest?

My deeper meaning? Helping women navigate a spiritual path that works for them. And spreading clear, authentic, based-in-lore information about said Irish deity and saint. Brigid, in case you hadn’t realised. And no doubt, this will continue to evolve as I grow and evolve. And yes, I had some strong coaches around me to help me get where i am today. Although, several of them probably wouldn’t identify as such.

Next steps

If any of this resonates with you or you want to chat further, send me an email and we can discuss. (orlagh@mybrigidsforge.com) Now, it’s possible you don’t need a spiritual coach. That’s absolutely fine. Many people work through life never needing one.

But if you do – well, next week, we’ll look at how to identify one…

High Control Religions – Escape

This is part 3 of my ongoing series on high control religions. Parts 1 and 2 are linked.

Today, I want to talk about the difficulties in escaping a high control religion. Now, content warning: the means of control in high control religions are very, very similar to those in domestic abuse situations. Abuse is abuse after all. So if this isn’t the right time for you, maybe skip the post for today!

Knowing you need to escape

Very often in high control religions, someone who is different, or thinking, or questioning, is also feeling that they are wrong. Their sense of self has been systematically undermined, until they are totally reliant one and compliant to their abuser. They have been cut off from alternative ideas, influences, information… so their behaviour, thoughts and emotional responses are controlled in this high control structure.

And, since they are not allowed to question, it can be really, really difficult not to blame themselves. After all, everyone else around them is giving every sign of compliance and happiness. Any attempt at confiding to another person is a risk. They’re the odd one out. They’re the problem.

They just need to try harder.

All rubbish, of course. But that’s the way a high control religion wants you to think. This isn’t about making you feel good about yourself. This is about subservience and obedience.

This can come in the form of suggesting inner work, prayer, shadow work, contemplation, solitude, isolation… all designed to manipulate the person further. It’s another way high control religions maintain,well, control.

An image of a scissors and a puppeteers cross with a hand holding it - image sliced in two to indicate split perspective. High control religions!
Yes, re-using last time’s image…

Issues with escaping a high control religion

I’m going to focus on a few practical issues here rather than looking at the full gamut of problems. So here we go!

Community

As part of a high control religion, the people who have seen, spoken with, socialised with, lived with over the last while are probably all members of the religion you’re trying to escape.

Yeah, that sentence was a mouthful, sorry.

But it’s no less true. High control religions have a tendency to strongly discourage, if not outright forbid, having relationships with those who are not part of the group. That means any support is probably going to come from strangers. And since you’ve spent the last while in a high control environment, where you can’t trust anyone… well trust is going to be an issue as well.

Everyone you knew is tied up with the previous high control organisation. And you’re starting from scratch…

Except, you’re not even starting from scratch. You’re starting from before scratch. Because you have work to do to even get to scratch. This is less than easy.

Now, of course, in the modern world, if you can maintain a private internet connection, you can build friendships online before you leave. But that “if” is carrying a lot of weight. Many high control religions don’t allow such an unsupervised information route…

So, by leaving, you can be left, alone, isolated in a world you don’t understand and are struggling to navigate. Very often, high control religions let one or two people back in, just to highlight the difficulties in the outside world…

Money

Here’s the next one. And it’s a tough one.

Very often in high control religions, either money is controlled, so that it’s difficult to build up an escape fund, or you are encouraged or forced into low-paying jobs, with the same effect.

Either way, you are likely looking at setting up a new life without any financial cushion. At all.

Now look, there is help out there, but think about it.

  • Clothes
  • Housing
  • Transport
  • Internet access
  • Food
  • Heating/ cooling
  • Access to services

How do you access any of this without money?

Even identification is needed for most social welfare programs, so how do you get an ID?

Every little bit of money you have can make things easier, but getting back on your feet is incredibly difficult at the best of times. So, be prepared.

changing world

Depending on how long you spent in the high control religion, the world might have changed significantly. Certainly the community norms that you were used to are not the same outside the organisation.

Obedience is rarely rated in the outside world to the same extent as in these organisations. Critical thinking is a valued skill in the wider world. Dreaming is nearly essential. Self reliance is usually considered a positive trait – as long as it’s not too much.

Language changes. Even the language of emojis is catching up with most of us these days. But if you were isolated for the last 5 years? Well, how the hell do you figure out what 🐶🏠 means??? Or 🙅🍵? (Doghouse, or you’re in said doghouse, followed by not my cup of tea) Acronyms, loanwords, new slang – all can make you feel like you’re an alien from another planet.

And in some ways? You are!

The world is changing at an ever increasing pace. So, even a few short years away from wider society can lead to disorientation at best and complete loss at worst. Getting someone to help you navigate this makes things easier, but that too is difficult.

Is it worth it?

It would definitely be worth it for me. I don’t like being controlled at all. Hell, I barely agree with half the unofficial rules for work…

So, you can imagine that I would prefer almost any hardship before submitting to a high control environment, never mind a high control religion. The thought of having anyone control my thoughts, my access to information, my access to books???

Horrific.

But there is a comfort in staying in a familiar environment. After all, most religious orders are high control environments, with access to the outside world, outside information is highly limited. The difference for me would be that most entries to a religious order would be with full knowledge, a trial period, a novitiate or similar, to try out a lesser level of control and to assess the entrants suitability for the life.

So, it’s not like all high control religious organisations should be wiped from the planet. And for most Roman Catholic orders, there is a documented process for leaving the organisation as well.

Not the case in the most cult-like organisations. Leaving is akin to consigning yourself to hell, in many cases. Or at least, that’s the message the members receive.

Comfort in the familiar. And I realise that some people prefer others to do their thinking for them. I get that. Life can appear simpler and easier with all these decisions being made for you.

Sure.

Wouldn’t be worth it for me though!

The sanctity of the confessional

Last week, I mentioned the “sanctity of the confessional” in the post on high control religions. It occurred to me afterwards that it’s entirely probable there are people out there who are not familiar with the term and may not be aware of its uses and problems and loopholes. So here we go!

What is a confessional?

The confessional is the fancy box in a Catholic Church where people go to make their confessions. It’s usually three compartments in a row: the one in the middle is where the priest goes, with sliding windows into the two at the for the penitent sit or kneel in. The priest would slide open one window and slide closed the other to hear a confession. It’s meant to be private, and the priest is not technically meant to even know whose confession he’s hearing.

This is, of course, less true in practice. A priest who has served in a given parish for longer than 3 months will learn to recognise certain parishioners voices and habits. Not to mentioned, these days, it’s few enough people going to confession in Ireland anyway…

The whole point is to unburden your soul of sin. It’s one of the seven sacraments of the Church. The full list?

  • Baptism
  • Confession
  • Communion
  • Confirmation
  • Holy Orders (men only)
  • Marriage
  • Last Rites (Anointing of the Sick)

In the Roman Catholic faith, you get plenty of chances to confess throughout your life and the idea is that it is a continual process. It wasn’t always this way of course, but at one stage in Ireland, the weekly trip to confession was absolutely necessary if you didn’t want to get turned away by the priest at Communion. Kinda putting paid to the “anonymous” idea…

What is the sanctity of the confessional?

In shorthand, it’s the Catholic Church’s version of “what happens in Vegas…” OK that’s a bit glib, but listen to me. It’s written into Canon Law. Or at least the Catechsim. Quoting Canon 983.1 of the Code of Canon Law, the Catechism states, “…It is a crime for a confessor in any way to betray a penitent by word or in any other manner or for any reason”.

A picture of my copy of the 2nd edition of the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Wherein - Quoting Canon 983.1 of the Code of Canon Law outlining the sanctity of the confessional is described.
Why yes, I am re-using a picture from an old post.

Now, the theological reasons for this are fairly well grounded.

The whole point of making a confession is to unburden your soul to God. The priest is there so someone human hears it, but essentially, the trust is between you and God. No one else. So, the sanctity of the confessional is paramount in keeping that sacred trust. The thinking is that in unburdening their soul, the penitent is engaging with a sacred ritual, and should be free to say what they wish with no intervention from anyone else but the priest.

A priest, therefore, cannot break the seal to save his own life, to protect his good name, to refute a false accusation, to save the life of another, to aid the course of justice (like reporting a crime), or to avert a public calamity. He cannot be compelled by law to disclose a person’s confession or be bound by any oath he takes, e.g. as a witness in a court trial. A priest cannot reveal the contents of a confession either directly, by repeating the substance of what has been said, or indirectly, by some sign, suggestion, or action. A Decree from the Holy Office (Nov. 18, 1682) mandated that confessors are forbidden, even where there would be no revelation direct or indirect, to make any use of the knowledge obtained in the confession that would “displease” the penitent or reveal his identity.

– The Seal of the Confessional – CERC

The church takes this pretty seriously and has gone up against the law on many occasions for this. There are stories of priests being killed, tortured, imprisoned, etc for refusing to give up information given to them as part of the sacrament.

And this is admirable.

However…

Problems

I’m sure you can see the problems right?

This brings a priest right into conflict with the Children First Act (2015). Section 14…

  1. (1) Subject to subsections (3), (4), (5), (6) and (7), where a mandated person knows, believes or has reasonable grounds to suspect, on the basis of information that he or she has received, acquired or becomes aware of in the course of his or her employment or profession as such a mandated person, that a child—

(a) has been harmed,

(b) is being harmed, or

(c) is at risk of being harmed,

he or she shall, as soon as practicable, report that knowledge, belief or suspicion, as the case may be, to the Agency.

(2) Where a child believes that he or she—

(a) has been harmed,

(b) is being harmed, or

(c) is at risk of being harmed,

and discloses that belief to a mandated person in the course of the mandated person’s employment or profession as such a person, the mandated person shall, subject to subsections (5), (6) and (7), as soon as practicable, report that disclosure to the Agency.

– Children First Act 2015, Section 14

There’s a whole section of the Act that outlines the “mandated persons”, many of which might apply to a priest, but priests are specifically called out in Schedule 1 to do with activities:

“Any work or activity as a minister or priest or any other person engaged in the advancement of any religious beliefs which would or could bring that minister, priest or other person, as the case may be, into contact with a child.”

So… you can see how this would affect things. Children go through confession from the age of about 8ish (in Ireland it’s done through schools – don’t start me – so it’s done by class….) And many of the survivors of the industrial schools and the mother and baby homes and orphanages run by clergy… have all outline the many, many ways the “sanctity of the confessional” could be used to protect abusers.

That’s focusing mainly on children, of course. It could protect the perpetrators of many crimes – and did! And of course, as part of the act of reconciliation, the confessor (the priest) is meant to encourage the sinner to come forward to the law, make amends, etc. But that’s counselling and enforceable. Although, the confessor could withhold forgiveness, but that’s another days work.

When can it be useful?

Well, there is spiritual relief in unburdening your soul. I firmly agree with that. I just don’t think it should protect you from the law. On the other hand, priests have used the sanctity of the confessional to help with rebel organisations throughout Irish history -or at least the 800 years where we were (and some parts still are) colonised by our neighbours to our east…

Mind you, torture was used in those situations as well, and some stories were better than others in the outcome.

Where does this leave us?

For many years, centuries, the Roman Catholic Church was an immense power in its own right in Europe. And it got to set the rules and expect rulers to obey.

It’s not the case any more and there are many occasions when rulers have, for good or ill, disagreed with the church. The sanctity of the confessional is one where the church won’t budge though. And there’s a reluctance to test it in Ireland anyway. (Or there appears to be…)

And there are very sincere priests out there who hold this sanctity and obligation and privilege dear to their hearts. No less sincerely than I hold my own spiritual beliefs. I find it hard to forgive the offenses committed against the oppressed and suffering in our societies in times gone by, particularly those that were further perpetrated by clergy being moved from pillar to post, always just ahead of trouble and rumours and retribution…

High Control Religion (part 2)

Part 1 of High Control Religions can be found here.

I want to delve a little bit deeper into what high control religions are, as well as some indicators of any group that might be high control. Essentially – I want to talk about red flags. For ease of referencing – this information is available widely on the internet, but this article by Anastasia Somerville-Wong is the one I found most information on. It is also very clearly laid out! Now, I’m not going into the detail Somerville-Wong did. I’m trying to keep this series digestible and I know not everyone will dive into a rabbit hole as willing as I do…

But I will say that I’d like ye to keep in mind a few points:

  • Any group can be a high control group, even a non-religious group
  • Some very mainstream groups can be high control
  • Just because a group is small, doesn’t mean it is high control
  • Just because everyone agrees on certain things, doesn’t mean it’s high control
  • A red flag is just that – an indicator. One might not be too bad. But two or more might suggest a theme developing…
A picture of a hand hold scissors, overlaid with a hand holding the wooden bit that a puppets strings connect to. Leaving a high control religion can feel like having strings cut!
Leaving a high control religion can seem like have strings cut!

Let’s talk about self-doubt

Self-doubt is normal. And self-questioning and self-assessment are, to my mind, important parts of human life. But a high control religion encourages self-doubt. Most healthy groups encourage and nurture self-esteem and self-confidence in their members. But a confident person isn’t as easily controlled as someone who continually doubts themselves. Just ask my current employers…

But in a high control religion, self doubt and self questioning is always encouraged. It keeps people off-balance. It almost forces people to use energy in ways that are not questioning leadership .

Now, this can start off really low level as well. Leadership encourages the general member to think the leader has better knowledge, more experience, or just knows things. So, of course they know better how the member should behave.

Or they can pick and choose scripture or holy writings or information to support their position. Which is of course, better, higher, more advanced than the ordinary member. Or the leader can ask questions meant to “increase your self understanding” but which are designed to create self-doubt.

Not to mention, any negative things that happen – illness, loss of money, death in the family, anything – will be put down as lack of faith.

High control rules… but only for you!

A sense of the leader or leadership being above the law is inherent in high control religion. While strict, draconian laws and rules might hold the main group in check… no one will hold the leader to account for not adhering to the same standards.

This can show up in different ways. But a lot of the time, it’s sex related. Or clothing. And the excuses are widespread. The leader needs the stress relief. The leader needs to make an impression. He (because it’s pretty much always a he) needs to populate the world. The leader is of a higher spiritual order, so doesn’t need the same restrictions to maintain his holiness.

Sometimes a high control religion will establish layers of rules and privileges. So that the more “spiritual” you are, the more freedom you can access. With the leader being the “freest” of all, obviously. Not only does this enforce their own “specialness”, it also builds in a sense of hierarchy and authority to support them. No one wants to be stripped of privileges, after all…

Threats, violence and threats of violence

For a high control group, it is very common to penalise members for leaving. Now, ok, this doesn’t always end in violence. But penalisation…. oh that’s a broad term. Here are a few options:

  • Lose contact with friends and family still in the group
  • Lose any money invested
  • Threatened with hell or other afterlife consequences
  • Have your nature and character disparaged by those still in the group – even those who were formerly close to you
  • Name calling
  • Threats of violence or death
  • Actual violence or death

Now, in leaving a high control group, losing money may not be your primary worry. But another aspect of high control group, as I said last week, is that they can control your money as well. So, when you leave, you leave with nothing.

In many cases, this is definitely the better option. But money makes the world go round and especially for women and children, a lack of money adds to other oppressive factors outside the group. It makes people think, “well, at least here we have food and shelter and clothing… of some sort”.

The thought of waiting til children reach a certain age, or until some event has passed… it’s really tempting. But the fact of the matter is, the longer you leave it, the more difficult it is to get out.

In a not-high-control group, leaving is easy. Honestly, I’ve left many groups in my time. Mostly, you just stop paying your dues. Seriously, it’s that easy. However, there is a group I can’t leave. The Roman Catholic Church. Yup. No way to leave it. There was a loophole up to 1996, but I missed the cut off date.

And most of us accept this as normal…

Here’s a good one…

Members frequently experience feelings of shame, guilt, fear and dread…

(That’s a direct heading from the blog post I linked earlier. Heading 17, if you’re interested)

This hit me hard. We joke in Ireland about the “Catholic guilt” we all feel, but it’s true. Catholics are pretty much meant to feel guilty about everything… I think they’d limit breathing sometimes, if they could.

I won’t speak for other Catholics around the world, but I can say for definite in Ireland there is

  • shame about perfectly normal human activities, e.g. sex, masturbation
  • a disconnect between what Jesus said and what the Church dictates
  • a lot of abuse hidden behind closed doors, some carried out by clergy and religious folks, some “just” endorsed by them
  • a attitude of full disclosure required from the congregation but no disclosure required from the clergy
  • the “sanctity of the confessional” protecting criminals, abusers and paedophiles. Among others. Google it if you have the stomach for it.

The people who are meant to look after the flock, the congregation, are the ones tormenting them with shame, guilt, fear and dread. And worse – protecting those who prey on the innocent.

The wrong people are feeling guilty.

Some repetition

I’ll be revisiting this topic again. And I know some of today was repetition from last time on this topic. But these are the parts I think it’s worth investigating.

I still call myself a Pagan Catholic, because it’s the closest I can get to describing my faith and spirituality. And I still see immense value in the teachings of Jesus and the Catholic faith itself.

I see many problems in the institution of the church and how the hierarchy is failing to address them. Or worse, obstructing genuine efforts to address the failures and the hypocrisy and the crimes inherent in that hierarchy.

Have a think. Maybe the organisation you’re involved in is trying to be high control, but failing mightily because it’s too easy to escape them. Or maybe you’re looking at these blog posts and thinking some of this seems familiar, but is your church really high control? Or is it a problem for you? It might not be.

At the very least, I hope it’s provoked some thoughts. Which will hopefully lead to action. And if you’re really unsure – reach out to me. I’ll do my best to help.